This summer has been so relaxing. I really have enjoyed it. However now that it's almost August I sense that anxious feeling trying to rise up. Deadlines are starting to creep into my calendar. Appointments for various things need to be made. Projects that should be done by the first of the school year are just words on a paper. Football season starts this Monday.
I find myself wanting to hide in a good book. I find myself fighting with my flesh. My flesh wants to curl up with a great cup of coffee, a book, a telephone (so I don't have to get up) and just escape. I want the TV to babysit.
With all of that going on in my head/heart, I also find myself wanting to get things done. I want to paint things. I want to clean out things. I want to purge stuff. I want to vacuum under the beds. I want to dust the window sills. I want to organize our school year. I want do this ... I want to do that ...
It's a process. I was just thinking about last summer. How I couldn't drag myself out of bed before 10. Sad to say but the school year was like that too. My heart was so heavy. The yoke of perfectionism hung so heavy around my neck that most days I couldn't do anything. I begged God to change me. I would set my alarm for 6, then 6:30, then 6:50, then 7 ... each day I would wake up, look at the time and realize my failure. We were so unorganized. Nothing ever was taken care of. Sure the house was straightened. Laundry was done. But my boys were fending for themselves on most days. School? What school. We did a lot of hitting and missing. By the true grace of God they did very well on their end of year review.
So often I would pray that God would grow me up. "I'm so immature" is what I would begin and end every prayer with. My question to Him was often "What is wrong with me?". Then one day I realized something. Nothing. Nothing was wrong with me. I was just in the middle. I was in the process of maturing. Growing up. That in between stage of letting go of the old but not having a complete hold on the new.
This summer something happened. My internal clock set its alarm. For almost a month I have been up by 7:30. 8 o'clock the latest. I have gotten more intentional quiet time with God. Which has just be wonderful. I notice that I am not as flustered through the day. After about a week of getting up early I wasn't tired in the middle of the day anymore. I'm actually tired around 9 at night. LOL Who would have thought?!
I am so thankful for God's grace and mercy. I am really looking forward to the rest of the summer. I'm excited about football season and school starting. Things are starting to smooth out a bit. There are still somethings that I'm not sure about. Like a true schedule for our days. I'm thinking about selling Mary Kay. Bo is wanting to branch out a bit with our business. I really want to get involved in a Life Group. Things like that but I know that God is and will be there for me. I've aligned myself to His will and He will take care of the details.
There is peace and rest in my spirit.
