I'm a fixer. I'm usually factual not emotional. I relate to the "cave" that men relate to. I do not talk about my problems but withdrawal and become quiet. Usually when I share something with a close friend I am weeks past the situation. If I complain about the grass needing cut it is because the grass needs to be cut. Not because I am upset with something else in my life.

I've always been this way. At least as far back as I can remember. I think it's both nurture and nature. Now at 31years of age I am completely okay with it.

I usually prefer ministry that is not relational. Sounds terrible I know but hear me out. :) When I was younger I wanted to be a Deliverance Minister. I wanted to meet someone, identify the demon/stronghold in their life/home, cast it out in Jesus' name (cause hello, who am I?), pray with them and then move on. I know that those precious people needed someone to come along side them for awhile and disciple them but I had no interest in that.

Now that I am getting older I do see the value in relationships. I think it is so important to have friends in Christ that you can disciple and be disciple, to laugh and cry with, to grow with. I have been blessed by such friendships and I am forever changed by their grace and love.

Okay, the point to this post. LOL

I was thinking about women's ministry, on Friday, and how I love women but can't always relate to them. I was thinking about how could I be used? I'm not fluffy and girly. I'm straight forward and some times (well, maybe a lot) harsh. God is working on me with that. He is teaching me to say things out of Christ's love for the person. Although my message may be "Get over it" I don't have to say it that way. :) I said to God "I'm a fixer Lord. Where is my place in your kingdom here on earth?"

On Saturday the woman who runs our women's ministry called. She wanted my help with the annual Ladies Tea. Fluffy, girly. :) But I was thrilled to be asked. She said "I'd like you to represent the women's ministry for the next three or four Sundays at the women's table." God You are so cool. I know that she called other women as well. But it still was a sweet answer from God that she thought of me out of the 50 plus women who help with our ministry.

"Represent the women's ministry". Yes, women need women fixers. Perhaps it's been too long since some gal said to another gal "Toughen up". We need Deborahs and Sarahs and Esters to rise up. *I'm not saying I am even close to any of those!!* We need women to take other women by the hand and say "You are the Daughter of the King. Now act like it." I am so excited.

Something else happened on Sunday that got me excited. A year or so ago God said to me about aligning myself with a certain pastor in our church. I have known him for almost 10 years. During the time that Bo and I have known him he was the pastor of college ministries. Well, I didn't go to college. My life was about birthing babies. :) I thought it was odd that God would want me to do anything with that ministry. So you guessed it, instead of praying about it I dropped it.

Well, this Sunday an announcement was made. Our pastor friend, whom God told me a year ago to partner with, is moving to equipping. Yep, that's right. He is now our equipping pastor. Another younger pastor is taking over our college ministry. My spirit jumped. "Oh Lord, I should have prayed more about that. I'm sorry."

Later Sunday evening God brought back to me my fixer thought. There are fixers needed in every ministry. Maybe God doesn't want me to just be with women cause I'm a girl. Maybe I'm being called to a coed ministry. I would be honored to be used by God. I get chills just thinking about it. All of it. I can picture Bo and I ... talking to men and women about God, sin, the Cross, redemption, marriage, parenting, the list goes on.

I know for now where I am. God is refining me. Holding me back from some things that I know are placed in me. He is holding me back so that I can gain my strength and let go of my pride. My girlfriend said something to me while we had gathered for prayer one evening. She said that I was like a bird with my wings clipped. That God has plans for me but He is not allowing me to do those things yet because I need to be strengthened. I need to learn some things. One day He will open the door and I will be strong and be able to fly out. Glory! I tell you what. Before she said that I had been talking to God about my lack of movement. I heard God say some things to me yet every where I turned a door was shut either beyond my control or in my spirit. I was frustrated because I couldn't understand. I was ready. If God told me to do it then why the wait?! When my sweet friend said that, my spirit was checked. God clipped my wings. So no matter how hard I flap my wings I can't fly. But one day, one day I will flap my wings and I will begin to rise. I'll see the opened door and I will head out. Glory!!

I am so excited about God. He is so amazing. It never ceases to amaze me that He took this wretched girl who was lost and broken and gave her meaning and healed her. God took a girl who was so lonely and gave her a family to have forever. God took this girl who would cut herself for years, who enjoyed the pain of the knife, who would smile at the blood as if some comfort was found there and cause her to cry out now if she gets a paper cut. God is a restorer of things lost. He causes hearts of stone to become hearts of flesh.

The most amazing thing God has done for this girl is that while I was still a sinner Christ died for me. (Romans 5:8)

1 comment:

bree said...

What a beautiful testimony! Thank you for sharing! I'm so thankful to the Lord for your walk, your family and your gift of sharing your joys and struggles--it ministers:) Praying and knowing you are all in the palm of His hand, etched there with love and joy, washed by the precious blood of Christ, protected by the Father. He uses all to His glory! Amen:)