Ramblings

O.K. so here I am trying to get back into writing here consistently. Ugh, that word ... Consistent ... maybe that should have been my word for 2012. It seems to be popping up everywhere. I think that it does go hand in hand with discipline.

Anyway - I have started school. I'm going for Human Sciences. I am very excited. My first and only class right now is English 111. I've decided to start off slow. I really don't want to scare myself. Ha-ha. Summer I will be taking that silly mandatory "Welcome to College" course. One credit, probably for one Saturday. Then, come the Fall, I'm planning on taking a bit more credits. My goal is to use all my FASFA and apply for scholarships. Of course there is always student loans. Which I am trying to avoid as long as possible. However, I'm not too worried about receiving a loan. It's for my future as well as the boys. If it helps me go to school for more credits per semester and not have to work 40+ hours a week then it would be worth it. One desire of my heart is not to take away a huge chunk of time away from Matt, David and Ryan. They still need their mother.

Speaking of mothering ... Matt will be 14 this Saturday. Hard to believe in some ways. I remember the day he was born. I remember his room wasn't ready when I was checked into the hospital for preeclampsia. I was upset because we hadn't washed anything. The crib wasn't put together. Nothing was prepared. My amazing friends - Tina, Sarah, J.P. and Nathen took care of everything for us. I was able to deliver Matt on a Wednesday worry free ... well, at least about that!

Over the past 14 years with Matt has been an absolute joy! He is my first. I remember walking him in an umbrella stroller around and around house. I remember when he started biting. Boy did he think that was fun. I remember the pounding on the door from the police because he has dialed 911 and then left the phone off the hook. How could I forget the one day when he was about 22 months old - David was about 4 months. We were running errands, on Greenbrier Parkway (a busy main street) - out from the back of the Dodge Neon I hear "Mama, David coughing - I gave him a penny to keep - he ate it" Yes, that was me back in 1999 on the side of the road shoving my finger down David's throat all along assuring Matt he wasn't in trouble but please don't give David anything that you haven't asked Mommy about!

Thinking back there are just so many memories. First steps, first words, first day of school. You all have those too. I guess I'm just feeling a little ... nostalgic ... I was such a weird mom, I think. I gave him, well all my boys, highly diluted catnip tea in bottles starting at one week old. Never had colic. My boys never wore shoes until they started walking. They always wore hats that covered their ears on any cool day/evening through out the year. I dressed them as I was dressed. If I was chilly we all wore a sweatshirt or blanket. If I wasn't - they didn't. They were never sick as real, little guys. Well, once David developed Whooping Cough when he was about 18 months. Oh, and I never baby-proofed my home nor did I ever expect any of our friends to baby proof theirs.

It's hard to believe that Matt will be in High School next school year. He is applying for the Tech Academy. Whether he gets in or not, the skies the limit for him. It was just 10 years ago he was playing with index cards on the kitchen floor. Twelve years ago he was reading to his little brother. Nine years ago he was teaching his baby brother animal sounds. He's been a missionary when he grows up to a Navy Pilot to a K9 officer, not to mention owning his own company during it all :)

He is getting taller. Just a bit taller then me. He wears a size 10 in men's! He is just about able to buy men size jeans. He's been in men's shirts for about a year. Just so big! I remember thinking that the 0-3 months were big~ considering he was 4 weeks early, weighing in at 5lbs 8oz and 18.5" long. My favorite thing to do was swaddle Matt and just hold him. How could I have something so beautiful, sweet, and pure? If God never blessed me again from that day forward ... Matt was enough.

But He didn't stop there :) Two more blessings followed and my life has never been the same. Not that I want it to be. Those three boys ... young men are a true treasure and delight. Yes, my house is messy from time to time. You bet it's loud "up in here!" A bit disorganized and down right rude but those are my youngins. Men and warriors that God has entrusted me with. It's a big job and thank You Jesus, You are a big God, cause it's hard some days. I loose my way, I fall, make mistakes .... ah yes, that word again consistency ... I'm learning ... I'm learning.

Being a single mom hasn't been as traumatic as I first thought. I think my most difficult part is the lack of back up. I'm "walking this beat" alone, physically speaking. I have no one to take over when I have lost my temper or my ability to speak in such a way that they understand. Probably though, if I stopped yelling, nagging or whining ... they might understand ... just kidding, sorta. There is no one there for that immediate head nod that assures me my assessment is correct. No father figure is there that has that silent look that says "this is your mother speaking to you and you will ... " but I have the Holy Spirit which is more then enough!! He gives me the wisdom and discernment I need. Not to mention on the really hard days - He gives me comfort. The Trinity is teaching me all about discipline and .... being consistent. I'm in school on so many levels ... LOL

O.K. - I do believe it's time to stop rambling. My heart is full of gratitude for my God and my sons. He has given me such amazing blessings. From the boys to great friends. A nice, warm roof over our heads to a great job. Yummy food in our bellies to clothes on our backs. My God is my Rock and Refuge -

I want to share one more thing before I end this ... It's my all time favorite Psalm ...

Psalm 16

¹ Keep me safe, my God,
for in you I take refuge.

² I say to the LORD, “You are my Lord;
apart from you I have no good thing.”

³ I say of the holy people who are in the land,
“They are the noble ones in whom is all my delight.”

⁴ Those who run after other gods will suffer more and more.
I will not pour out libations of blood to such gods
or take up their names on my lips.

⁵ LORD, you alone are my portion and my cup;
you make my lot secure.

⁶ The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
surely I have a delightful inheritance.

⁷ I will praise the LORD, who counsels me;
even at night my heart instructs me.

⁸ I keep my eyes always on the LORD.
With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken.

⁹ Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;
my body also will rest secure,

¹⁰ because you will not abandon me to the realm of the dead,
nor will you let your faithful one see decay.

¹¹ You make known to me the path of life;
you will fill me with joy in your presence,
with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

Be ever-so-blessed my friends!!

Discipline

This is my word for 2012. Kind of a big word but hey, I have a big God. I read this article Choosing Words To Live By I was immediately struck by it. It didn't take me long to figure out what word God would have me study.

DISCIPLINE

There are so many reasons this word is important for 2012. One being that I am being called to be more disciplined in my daily walk with Christ. I am saddened by how I have chosen other things to fill my time. God is so kind and patient with me. He never pushes Himself on me. I can just sense His presence ... the still, quietness of His voice beckoning me to spend time with Him.

I want to, I want to wake up in the morning and give Him my best. I want to gain insight and direction. The thought of sipping a cup of coffee while praying, listening seems so ... right.

Yet, there I am ... rushing around the house. I'm trying to get my shower, kids up, cats fed, you name it. I'm doing just about everything else but resting in Him. I often wondered how much better my day would go if I just took 10 minutes, first thing in the morning to be with God.

My spirit knows the answer. So does Satan.

Anyway - coming back to the basis of this post .... I am on a quest to discover DISCIPLINE.

It has been a long time since I have been here ... Here meaning not just on this blog but in this state of spiritual weakness.

When my husband left I immediately ran to Christ. I don't think I have ever been stronger, spiritually speaking, as that year or so. I laid before God on behalf of myself, Bo, the boys, his girlfriend, her family and our friends (they just about struggled with it as much as the boys and I did!) It seemed like I never left that prostrate position! I prayed literally like we are told, without ceasing, for healing, forgiveness, mercy, grace, and for God to move in such a powerful way in our lives. I didn't care how He did it or what it looked like.

God in His mercy did move. He did bring much healing and the like into the boys and my life. Is there still work to be done? You bet. It seems now that those prayers that were prayed with such a heavy heart and much tears have now moved into declaration prayers. I see God moving all the time. The only difference is that He has called me to take a more active part in the answers. May He be glorified! See before, He knew all I had to offer Him was a quiet Yes. Now He knows I can offer a Yes, Amen and I will!

What a difference two years make!

God brought me about six months ago to a place of rest. It has been glorious, truly. Around the Holiday Season of 2010 my heart was released from my marriage. I had fought hard. Not in worldly ways but on my knees in total surrender to my King. I had defeated by God's grace the Enemy that had come to kill, steal and destroy me. Like I said - after that hard fight God allowed a season of rest.

In this season of rest I don't think I have laughed any harder at any other time in my life. I have reconnected with some great friends. Went on two vacations, one with my precious boys and one on my own. I have continued to get healthy which has resulting in my now total weight loss of 41 pounds! I continue to be blessed beyond measure. I am humbled by this amazing season.

Here we are coming up to the Fall. A new season. I can see the Enemy's army on the horizon. I can hear him conspiring with his demons. I know what Satan's end time goal is for me and my sons. The Bible is clear in John 10:10, he comes to steal, kill and destroy (paraphrase mine). Well, all I can say is that I am sharpening my sword and being fitted with my armor (Ephesians 6:10-17)

I'm not saying that my knees won't knock from time to time. I'm not saying that I won't find myself questioning whether or not I can handle things. I know my knees will and I will question my ability but what I won't do is question God's ability. I will be like David - declaring before each battle "You come against me with the sword and spear and javelin, but I come against you in the name of the Lord Almighty" (1 Samuel 17:45)

Isaiah 40:11

Here is a verse that has been so precious to me especially over the last three or four years. It's from the Book of Isaiah.

Isaiah 40:11
"He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart, he gently leads those that have young."

Are you someone who has young? Are you someone who needs to be lead? How about just needing to be gathered in God's arms and held close to His chest?

If you are like me you are saying "Yes, yes and Amen." It is no secret that when you have a child you need someone to guide you. It's not just the big stuff, although that is important. It seems to be the little stuff. We all know we need to teach our children not to lie, steal or murder. As christian it goes deeper like harboring anger, unforgiving, omitting things and the like. However there are little things like opening doors for people. Speaking with a kindness. Having patience with other people (especially your younger siblings) that we should be focusing on.

Even with all that said we need someone to guide us when dealing with our children's hearts. I have three sons with three different personalities. I rely on Christ daily to show me to reach them. I have one boy who is cautious of sharing things. He seems to think that his opinion doesn't matter. He bottles things in and becomes emotional over everything. My other boy is always fine. Nothing bothers him, everything is cool. However he becomes sullen and withdrawn. Then there is my other guy. He lashes out at everyone for anything. Always on the attack, not wanting to compromise or hear someone's side. I find myself, when not relying on Christ's wisdom, always treating symptoms never the cause.

As parents we have to always be looking for the root, the heart of our children. It's O.K. to give your child some space but don't let distance come between you and them. Seek God, He will lead you. He will give you wisdom. God created those little ones, perfectly and without flaw.

The other meaning I receive from that verse is that I can fall into His arms when I am tired and overwhelmed. He guides me, leads me on how to raise my children. He comforts me. He is my Shepherd. A shepherd knows his flock. He tends to their daily needs. The shepherd protects his flock. A shepherd watches over, looking out for dangers. Just like our Lord.

Are you resting in the arms of your Shepherd? I am and there is no great place to be.

Spring is in the air!

I am sitting here enjoying the beautiful breeze coming through my bedroom window. I can hear the sounds of laughter from all the kids, mine included, from the neighborhood. The house is fairly straight. Work, my outside work, is done for the day. Checked on my farm :) Gotta love Facebook.

Right now I am just so encourage by Spring. The concept of Spring. The newness of Spring. Fresh starts and new beginnings. Last spring I was hopeful of this relaxed spirit but I didn't quite have it. I knew one day I would.

Last year this time I was more in the mode of putting one foot in front of the other. Head down, doing this thang. Being there for the boys. Making ends meet. Living day in and day out.

This year I am overwhelmed with the possibilities. The boys and I are happy. Things are well with our soul. Christ does truly make all things new.

I do not know the future but I do know the One who holds the future!

As I'm writing this and ice cream truck is driving through my neighborhood. Matt hollers from his room "You know it's Spring when the Ice Cream Truck comes around!" Very, very true.

Is God sounding the ice cream truck in your life?

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life ... and other stuff

Right now I am sitting with my youngest at my feet. He is an amazing 9 year old boy. He is doing his project which is due tomorrow. I'm answering questions as I search the web. My oldest son will be 13 tomorrow. THIRTEEN! Crazy. He, too, is wrapping up homework so I am answering questions as I search the web. My middle dude is making a bed-time snack as I search the web (hee hee)

I am truly blessed.

I have been working at my place of employment for a year now. It has truly blessed me. I enjoy everyone I work with. We are like a family. Every day I am still excited to go to work.

The boys are doing really well in school. Honor Roll, all three. I've been able to have lunch with Ry a few times. Which is always so fun. Once work settles down a bit, I've been working over time since my office manager has been out, I'm going to take M and D out for lunch. It's so important to stay connected with each one. We've never been the sit-at-the-kitchen-table-eating-dinner kind of family. Now, sitting around the coffee table watching Biggest Loser ... yeah that is more like us. So I am making time. Whether it's just two of us heading up to WaWa for some gas or taking a minute in the hall way to say "Hey, you are awesome. How was your day?"

For months I have said in the morning "Have a great day. I will see you when I get off work. I love you." The usual response has been "K. Love you too." Just this week I have been so surprised by my three sons. Ry, who leaves before I usually do, turned around in the driveway and said "Do you work today?" Me- "Yes" Ry -" Then you have a great day too!" Wow! Then, D said to me "OK Mom. I love you too and have a great day at work today." Neat! The next thing I know M texts me with "Love you too Mom. Have a great day!" It is just sooo nice :)

There are still moments. M seems the most angry. But, with God's grace, we are getting through it. M and D seem to have lost an interest in God. I know I didn't help. I allowed Fellowship to go onto the back burner. I still read, I still studied and Lord knows, I still prayed but I didn't make sure our bottoms were at church every Sunday. I know my kids are disappointed with God. With His help and mercy things will change.

I've been reading the Bible with Ry. He is excited about his relationship with Christ. This has gotten D asking questions. This weekend we are heading back to church. I started going back a few weeks ago but between the flu and Dad having the boys every other weekend ... this is the first weekend everyone will be feeling good and home. I bought a little 100 day devotional for teens. M and I talked about it and we, the four of us, are going to sit down every Wednesday and read one. I'm looking forward to it. Who knows what I am going to learn :)

I get all teary eyed thinking about my boys and my life now. They are such troopers.

There is still some pain left for me. Some days I look at my husband and ache to be back with him. Then there are days when I am O.K. that we are not together. I would say that I am more at peace then at pain. God truly is the Healer. I know He is healing my children. I am getting over the whole "This isn't what I wanted ... " thing. No, it's not what I wanted but it is what I have and it is good.

I have learned that God is a lamp unto my feet. I have learned not to look to forward down the path. I only have so much light and I'm using that light wisely. I'm looking at Christ's face. I'm looking at my kids. I'm looking at just the here and now.

I do have some goals that are a little further out. Like I am going to go to college. I will probably start this summer. I'm going to be busting my butt in 2011 to pay off all debt so that some time in 2012 I can buy a house. I plan on getting into a routine of exercising and continue to loose weight. But that is about as far as I have gotten. Which is pretty good if I do say so myself.

Life is a precious gift ... God is good ... Children are a gift from the Lord ... Love waits ... Friends pray ... Hearts hurt ... Joy cometh ... I still smile and laugh ...

I am truly amazed at how far things have come in the past year or so. Do I still hurt? You bet but it's further and farther between. God heals and His peace comes. The Holy Spirit is the Comforter.

God, You are good and Your mercies endure forever!

Sharing something personal ...

I'm going to share two entries from my journal. I never intended to do this but I felt the Lord nudge me into doing this. I trust Him. I never really had a journal. Well, I did when I was about 13 but nothing serious. I never wanted to put my thoughts on paper like that. I had every intention of burning this journal when I was done. No reason why ... just didn't want it hanging around. However I know that this journal is important to me and more importantly, perhaps to others. This past year or so has been an amazing journey ... here is the first and second entry.

Today is February 4, 2010. Today I am angry. I know that I won't always be angry. Honestly for the most part I'm not angry. My world feels like it is crashing in on me. I'd love to back track and get you up to speed - but I won't. Today I can't relive the horror. Tonight I'm alone. The boys are making cookies. Bo - the love of my life is somewhere, with maybe someone else. Bo has chosen to leave me. To end our marriage. It's killing me. I'm not sure even why it hurts so bad. I guess I really do love him. I guess he was the only one, besides my precious boys, to get under my skin, deep into my heart. I know how hard our marriage has been. But honestly it wasn't all bad. I am sensing God leading me into the gray. I don't like the gray. There is security in the black and white. Bo said tonight that I'm treating this as do or die. That's how I feel. I wish I could relax as he said. Lord - I am trusting You but I know that doesn't mean I won't hurt. How do I get past this? Tina says time. I want quick fixes and I don't want to wait for time. Am I really trusting? Lord - I love my husband. I love Bo deeply. It hurts and I am sad ... I know a big part of my problem is the push back from Satan. I pray without wavering and then my heart and mind go nuts. That needs to stop, in the Name of Jesus. Hebrews 10:35, 36 Romans 8:9-11 So do not throw away your confidence, it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.

February 5
Today I feel empowered. Not empowered by my ability in any situation but empowered by His Spirit. I will not put human conditions on God. He is faithful, He is true. His burden is light and His yoke is easy. He is my God. I server Him out of love.