Here I am

This past year has been long. I have done a lot of growing and some changing for the better. Somethings haven't changed but I've realized that those things are good things. I'm actually celebrating those things.



I've learned a lot about myself since my marriage fell apart. Well, I guess maybe that isn't accurate. I ... rediscovered a lot about myself.



I am making plans for my future and the future of my sons. It is surprising not as hard as I would have initially thought. I guess it's because Bo and I were never really on the same page so now I don't have to pretend or reason or set aside anything. There is my house and his house. My rules and expectations and then there are his. My prayer is that the boys will understand the difference and be able to make the wise decisions they will have to make.



I know it's a bit confusing for the boys. My oldest, Matt, said to me one time that he didn't know what to do. Go by my standards like love and serve the Lord or by dad's which is to live in the world and please yourself. I told him that for now it seemed a when in Rome thing. But that one day he will have to make a choice as to which person he would want to be.



It's tough but life is tough sometimes. It is what we do with the tough. It's about who do we trust with the tough. I choose God. Without fail and without reservation.



I still love my husband. I've tucked my heart away so I no longer am in love with him. I hurt for him. I hurt for our sons and for me. However each day gets better. I'm finding that each day that I wake up with confidence in my relationship with Jesus, myself and my ability to love my sons and be a single mom.



I never pictured my life this way. Raising three boys living with my mom. It's okay. We're working it out. I thought that Bo and I would be together forever, good or bad. It's okay. I'm okay. I'm better then okay. I'm actually good. Which in some weird way is sad to me.



We can petition our divorce in less than 4 months. I must say it feels like forever!



Our boys are doing good. We had to move again. Which upset the boys but this house is the healing house. My one piece of advice for anyone going through a separation and divorce is this ... If you have to move pick a place that you can sign a 6 month lease. You will need a dumping house. A house where there are many tears. Many fights. Many long nights.



Then ... you move into your healing house. Trust me, there is more laughing in this house. More quiet evenings. More joy!



The house we lived in when it all fell apart was a hard house too. It first began as a fresh start house. I believed that Bo and I were finally going to be financially free. I actually thought that we were going to be more in love and committed. Boy did I miss the boat on that. LOL Anyway, that house became a house of horrors. Days filled with tears and pain hidden from my sons. Nights filled with deep agony. I remember sitting all night on the phone with one of my girls (shout out to Sarah, Tina and Bree!). I would literally fall asleep in a lawn chair on my driveway wondering if my husband was going to come home. I remember lying to the boys that Daddy came home after they went to bed but had to be back at work before they got up. That is some tough stuff. I remember waking up vomiting on myself.

It was an incredible rough time in my life.

Nothing to date compares.

I'm not sure why I'm writing or my reason behind it. I guess it's just this time of year. August/September marks a year ... a whole year ...

Writing here to you all is perhaps therapeutic. I'm making it. Only that last paragraph did any tears come to my eyes. But to God's amazing glory the pain isn't there. There is a bit of sadness but not that deep, gut wrenching pain that takes your breath away. You know? The kind that makes you double up in pain. It's more a sadness that my family had to endure this then anything.

God is good and He is sooo faithful. Christ is my Savior and the Holy Spirit is my comforter. To HIM be all the glory!