I'm going to share two entries from my journal. I never intended to do this but I felt the Lord nudge me into doing this. I trust Him. I never really had a journal. Well, I did when I was about 13 but nothing serious. I never wanted to put my thoughts on paper like that. I had every intention of burning this journal when I was done. No reason why ... just didn't want it hanging around. However I know that this journal is important to me and more importantly, perhaps to others. This past year or so has been an amazing journey ... here is the first and second entry.
Today is February 4, 2010. Today I am angry. I know that I won't always be angry. Honestly for the most part I'm not angry. My world feels like it is crashing in on me. I'd love to back track and get you up to speed - but I won't. Today I can't relive the horror. Tonight I'm alone. The boys are making cookies. Bo - the love of my life is somewhere, with maybe someone else. Bo has chosen to leave me. To end our marriage. It's killing me. I'm not sure even why it hurts so bad. I guess I really do love him. I guess he was the only one, besides my precious boys, to get under my skin, deep into my heart. I know how hard our marriage has been. But honestly it wasn't all bad. I am sensing God leading me into the gray. I don't like the gray. There is security in the black and white. Bo said tonight that I'm treating this as do or die. That's how I feel. I wish I could relax as he said. Lord - I am trusting You but I know that doesn't mean I won't hurt. How do I get past this? Tina says time. I want quick fixes and I don't want to wait for time. Am I really trusting? Lord - I love my husband. I love Bo deeply. It hurts and I am sad ... I know a big part of my problem is the push back from Satan. I pray without wavering and then my heart and mind go nuts. That needs to stop, in the Name of Jesus. Hebrews 10:35, 36 Romans 8:9-11 So do not throw away your confidence, it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.
Today I feel empowered. Not empowered by my ability in any situation but empowered by His Spirit. I will not put human conditions on God. He is faithful, He is true. His burden is light and His yoke is easy. He is my God. I server Him out of love.