I'm not sure where to start this post. I'm resisting the urge to just verbally vomit on here. It's not pretty and no one wants to read that. I'll do my best not to ramble but it may just happen. Just preparing you :)
Lately there has been such a deep stirring in my spirit. There have been so many personal changes within myself and my sons. I'm a little older, a little wiser, a little more funny and a lot more compassionate.
I've been looking over my life recently and I've determined I'm not content any more. Well, let me try to rephrase that because in all things I'm content but there is a stirring I cannot ignore. I'm content to be secure in where I am in life but I know there is more for me. I know God calls me to something higher, greater and more meaningful. That's where I'm not content. I'm not content to stay "here".
I recently posted on Facebook that I am no longer telling myself "wow, look how far you've come!" but rather stretching myself. "Where are you going?" has replaced the pat on the back. It's true - I've been through a lot and continue to be but it feels like it's defining me, at least to myself. Although my past is and will always be a part of who I am, it is not all that I am. I have goals, dreams and a purpose. I'm looking towards the future. Content in my present, enjoying the moment but reaching for something else.
My sons have taught me to look towards the future. They have no idea they did. Although, they would not be surprised simply because they are awesome (and they know it). Each one has dreams and goals, plans and routes they are wanting to take for their lives. I'm very proud of them. Proud for what they, themselves have come from. The journey of their own healing over the past 4 or so years. But also proud of where they are now. The young men they are and who they are becoming. Bright, funny, caring, kind young men who open doors, say please and thank you, do well in school, keep each other's secrets and laugh. Man, do those kids laugh ... a lot.
I'm so thankful for their relationship with one another and me. It's nothing for one of them to text me something funny or show me a crazy video. They rag me, laugh with and at me, compliment me on my singing, humor and even my looks :) They've seen me struggle and go without just so they could have. They have compassion and are not greedy. The know the value of a dollar. They are strong and brave. They are both street smart and book smart.
The women that captures their hearts will be blessed. And so will they. For, I believe, they will be a woman among women. Perhaps a little like the boys' mother.
This next season in my life is going to be some pulling and stretching as I find my way through my career and finances. I've worked very hard, many sleepless nights, many gut wrenching moments to partner with God in regards to healing my heart. Now it's time to move into a different fixin'. I'll be 38 soon. To which I am actually very excited about. It's time to get some things in order. To set some things straight in my life. It's going to be difficult, any thing worth having typically is. I do, however, believe I am up for the challenge.
I am beyond thankful to my Savior. Jesus, in His mercy and kindness, has been so good to me. Not a day goes by that He doesn't remind me of how much He loves me, protects and provides. We've been through a lot and I know the journey is not over.
I'd be a fool to lie and say I'm not a little concerned how things will play out. Or to try to tell you that I believe it's going to be "all good". It's life, so no, it won't be. But - and this is a very large but - I will be O.K. I will have resolve. I will move forward, even if it's an inch at a time.
Besides getting my finances in order - I intend to spend more time with God. I've slacked a bit because, well, I've been a little tired. God has granted me the rest but I can hear Him calling me back to our quiet times. It may seem silly or ungodly to say that I was resting apart from quiet time with Him. Basically, it was becoming a chore. Something to check off my list for the day. He doesn't want that. I'm certainly not blessed by that. God's Word was becoming just letters on a page. That, my friend, ain't no way to live. So I took a break. Still worshipped, still prayed, still gave Him all glory. Now I find the craving again for His wisdom, love, guidance, hope and peace.
I've decided to start with Ezra. No particular reason. I literally pulled it out of a hat. I'm looking forward to getting back into His Word.
Well, that's a little snippet of where I am right now. Just wanted to share -