2 Corinthians 10:5 NIV
"We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ."
It's always when I am at my weakest. It's always when I can't muster up a smile on my face. It's always when I have no motivation.
What is it, you ask.
It's the enemy. He comes in the name of self-reflection, pointing out where I have failed. Where I am failing and how I may fail in the future. He whispers past mistakes and roads not taken. He reminds me of the roads I actually did walk down that lead me all away around the promise land. Much like the Israelites. He points out the difference between me and other moms, women and Christians.
Before I know it I am defending myself. Sayings things like, "Well, I've always been a bit legalistic" or "I'm proud of the relationship I have with my children.". Even better, "I did the best I could."
The more the conversations go on the more I feel tired, defeated, and sad. I can't see any real good thing in me. I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I strain my eyes looking around for any redeeming quality about myself.
But then ... but then I remember who I am in Christ. The beloved daughter of the Living King, joint heirs with Christ. I am more than a conquer. I am saved, redeemed.
So I must be careful, taking every thought captive.
6/4/17
good times
Lately life has been too good. I mean really, really good. Scary good. The kind of good that makes you almost check behind doors and every noise you think to yourself, "This may be the shoe dropping." But it isn't.
The last seven or so years have been a time of grief, worry, anxiety, loss, gain, laughter, strength, weakness and all other sorts of feelings. It's been extremely hard and yet extremely easily. I have learned so much about myself and my God. I realized that I am stronger in my faith and that my God is mightier than any situation or person I have faced.
Now I am in a season of strength and renewal. There is complete peace in Christ. I know that I know His word is a lamp unto my feet and light unto my path. I know that I know I am joint heir in Christ. I know He loves my sons more than I ever could, He is the perfect parent and I am humbled He chose me to be their mom.
I have seen God move in ways that I can only look back at and say "that was all You". Those moments where you have no idea how. There was no way the bill would get paid or the child would be healed. Those moments you cry out in your despair. That deep cry that comes from your toes. The sound unrecognizable to even yourself. Yet, there comes a peace that floods in, surrounds you and covering every inch of your heart. In that moment you know, you just know that God is with you.
In all things I trust Him. Trust Him with my thoughts, heart and actions. Some people thought I was crazy for my response to situations or problems but in keeping my heart humble and focusing on Him and His love for me, I have been able to rise above the noise. Rise above the chaos. In doing so I have been able to reap the benefits of all that God has for me and my sons.
I'm not naive, I know that my story doesn't end here. I know that this journey is anything but far from over. However the treasures I have gained are invaluable to me and I wouldn't change it for the world.
The last seven or so years have been a time of grief, worry, anxiety, loss, gain, laughter, strength, weakness and all other sorts of feelings. It's been extremely hard and yet extremely easily. I have learned so much about myself and my God. I realized that I am stronger in my faith and that my God is mightier than any situation or person I have faced.
Now I am in a season of strength and renewal. There is complete peace in Christ. I know that I know His word is a lamp unto my feet and light unto my path. I know that I know I am joint heir in Christ. I know He loves my sons more than I ever could, He is the perfect parent and I am humbled He chose me to be their mom.
I have seen God move in ways that I can only look back at and say "that was all You". Those moments where you have no idea how. There was no way the bill would get paid or the child would be healed. Those moments you cry out in your despair. That deep cry that comes from your toes. The sound unrecognizable to even yourself. Yet, there comes a peace that floods in, surrounds you and covering every inch of your heart. In that moment you know, you just know that God is with you.
In all things I trust Him. Trust Him with my thoughts, heart and actions. Some people thought I was crazy for my response to situations or problems but in keeping my heart humble and focusing on Him and His love for me, I have been able to rise above the noise. Rise above the chaos. In doing so I have been able to reap the benefits of all that God has for me and my sons.
I'm not naive, I know that my story doesn't end here. I know that this journey is anything but far from over. However the treasures I have gained are invaluable to me and I wouldn't change it for the world.
3/1/17
I'm asking myself ...
Lately I have been challenged with the thoughts of my future. Where do I see my self in a few months, maybe a year? What about five years or a decade?
Truthfully, I don't know.
Truthfully, I don't know.
It's easy to say that I'll still be in my career or living in my area. Is that true though? Can I honestly say that I know? Does that even really matter? Location, career, age ... are those the things I want to truly focus on?
Seriously, does it matter if I still live in this townhouse? Will the world be a better place because I've focused majority of my energy on job? No, it doesn't. Nor should I.
Seriously, does it matter if I still live in this townhouse? Will the world be a better place because I've focused majority of my energy on job? No, it doesn't. Nor should I.
Some things are a means to an end. I'm thankful I have a job, a career, that allows me to comfortably put a roof over me and my family's head. I'm thankful that we have lived here for almost seven years. Settled. Secure.
My question to myself is really ... where will you be mentally, emotionally and spiritually? Will I be stagnate? Or will I have grown a little, a lot?
Will I be emotionally immature in areas, allowing silly opinions to fester in my mind and heart? Continuing to be judgmental in certain areas? Will I not stand for what is right because it's easier to look the other way?
Will I finally have a meek and quiet spirit? Will I be completely faithful, full of trust? Willing and joyfully doing what I know needs to be done. When situations arise or when the enemy comes creeping around, will I be on my guard; standing firm in the faith; being courageous; being strong as 1 Corinthians 16 states?
My question to myself is really ... where will you be mentally, emotionally and spiritually? Will I be stagnate? Or will I have grown a little, a lot?
Will I be emotionally immature in areas, allowing silly opinions to fester in my mind and heart? Continuing to be judgmental in certain areas? Will I not stand for what is right because it's easier to look the other way?
Will I finally have a meek and quiet spirit? Will I be completely faithful, full of trust? Willing and joyfully doing what I know needs to be done. When situations arise or when the enemy comes creeping around, will I be on my guard; standing firm in the faith; being courageous; being strong as 1 Corinthians 16 states?
I know this post is full of questions. That is where I am right now. Questioning, searching and reasoning. I think it's important to dial back the white noise of this world. Take a look inside your heart and mind to the core of who you are. Challenging yourself to grow and mature in areas that are lacking. Being accountable to yourself, God and those around you.
There's a saying that pops up from time to time. "Thrive, not just survive." It's a truthful statement. Many times it is used to encourage people of abuse or to shake off the mentality of just living. You know ... working, paying bills, worry, day in and day out. I want to thrive and not just survive. However for me it goes beyond any betrayal I've faced or any day to day living. I want to thrive in my heart, in my relationship with my Savior, and in my personal relationships and in this world.
I encourage everyone to take some time to look yourself in the mirror and ask, "Where do you see yourself?"
There's a saying that pops up from time to time. "Thrive, not just survive." It's a truthful statement. Many times it is used to encourage people of abuse or to shake off the mentality of just living. You know ... working, paying bills, worry, day in and day out. I want to thrive and not just survive. However for me it goes beyond any betrayal I've faced or any day to day living. I want to thrive in my heart, in my relationship with my Savior, and in my personal relationships and in this world.
I encourage everyone to take some time to look yourself in the mirror and ask, "Where do you see yourself?"
9/8/16
All
It's that time of year when I sit back and do some reflecting. Who am I kidding? This occurs about every three to four months. However there is something different in the Fall. It's like the beginning of my calendar year. Fall has always been my season. Fall is peaceful, hopeful. I understand it's when Earth starts to slumber and things die off. But for some reason it just speaks of new life to me.
I've been thinking lately about my life. This summer was so quiet, relaxing and peaceful. No real drama. There were no sleepless nights, no pressing issues that had me ringing my hands with worry. Sure, we had things that took up our prayer time but the actual worry ... that was gone.
Each obstacle was faced with an assurance that God was in control, not me. Each question was answered with whether or not I had any control. If I did then I would do what was needed. If not, then I would let it go.
Something started to happen. God moved in such mighty ways in my and the boys' lives. At one point God completely removed me from a situation and used other people to accomplish His goal. Can you believe that?! God didn't "need" me to do anything other than give it to Him and back off.
I shudder to think that I have control issues with God. To be honest, I sometimes (if not often) do. I know He requires my obedience and my willingness to do what needs to be done but He doesn't need my 14 different ways to handle things.
I'm a planner. I always will be. I believe God is a God of order so no, I can't just "wait til we cross that bridge" because if you know a bridge may be coming and you believe that bridge is rickety then you should plan! However I am learning that you make plans, you set a course through prayer and praise but you have to let God move. You have to listen to the Holy Spirit so that you can walk, sit, or run.
Even writing this there is a struggle inside me. Part of me wants you to know that I always listen to God. I only move when He tells me. That I am carefully listening to the direction of The Holy Spirit. All those are true and if you know me then you know. This isn't about what I do. It's more about what I'm learning not to do.
I'm learning not to lay out a ton of different ways to work out something and then tap my toes while I wait. It's funny to me because I trust Him completely with the BIG things. Finances, health, safety etc. It's the little things. It's the minor day to day things that I have way to many opinions about. And that my friends is what I'm learning ... to let go of the control of the little things too.
1 Peter 5:7a NIV says "Cast all your anxiety ..." ALL not just the big stuff, not just the little stuff, not just the stuff I have no clue about, not just the stuff I don't want to deal with. ALL.
Webster's Dictionary defines all like this:
So there you have it ... I'm learning to cast all ...
I've been thinking lately about my life. This summer was so quiet, relaxing and peaceful. No real drama. There were no sleepless nights, no pressing issues that had me ringing my hands with worry. Sure, we had things that took up our prayer time but the actual worry ... that was gone.
Each obstacle was faced with an assurance that God was in control, not me. Each question was answered with whether or not I had any control. If I did then I would do what was needed. If not, then I would let it go.
Something started to happen. God moved in such mighty ways in my and the boys' lives. At one point God completely removed me from a situation and used other people to accomplish His goal. Can you believe that?! God didn't "need" me to do anything other than give it to Him and back off.
I shudder to think that I have control issues with God. To be honest, I sometimes (if not often) do. I know He requires my obedience and my willingness to do what needs to be done but He doesn't need my 14 different ways to handle things.
I'm a planner. I always will be. I believe God is a God of order so no, I can't just "wait til we cross that bridge" because if you know a bridge may be coming and you believe that bridge is rickety then you should plan! However I am learning that you make plans, you set a course through prayer and praise but you have to let God move. You have to listen to the Holy Spirit so that you can walk, sit, or run.
Even writing this there is a struggle inside me. Part of me wants you to know that I always listen to God. I only move when He tells me. That I am carefully listening to the direction of The Holy Spirit. All those are true and if you know me then you know. This isn't about what I do. It's more about what I'm learning not to do.
I'm learning not to lay out a ton of different ways to work out something and then tap my toes while I wait. It's funny to me because I trust Him completely with the BIG things. Finances, health, safety etc. It's the little things. It's the minor day to day things that I have way to many opinions about. And that my friends is what I'm learning ... to let go of the control of the little things too.
1 Peter 5:7a NIV says "Cast all your anxiety ..." ALL not just the big stuff, not just the little stuff, not just the stuff I have no clue about, not just the stuff I don't want to deal with. ALL.
Webster's Dictionary defines all like this:
- the whole, entire, total amount, quantity, or extent of:
- every member or part of:
- the whole number or sum of
So there you have it ... I'm learning to cast all ...
8/17/15
This sermon has blessed my heart
I first found S.M. Lockridge during a Beth Moore conference. I could sit and listen to him for hours.
I highly encourage you to check out his stuff. Gotta love YouTube!
I wanted to share this sermon, he is funny and right on point!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qOsXV3_D9ak
I highly encourage you to check out his stuff. Gotta love YouTube!
I wanted to share this sermon, he is funny and right on point!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qOsXV3_D9ak
1/1/15
Finding my way
Just sitting here enjoying a great cup of coffee while fooling around with my blog. A much neglected piece of work. Perhaps an update to font, color and layout will inspire me to write more... Surely that will work. Maybe reading some other blogs that I follow will spark something inside of me. Of course, that will do the trick.
Truth be told - nothing inspires me. I don't mean it all gloomy, it's simply that nothing besides my faith and loving my family really stirs deep inside of me.
Another truth be told - I lack discipline and perseverance. GASP! Although if you have known me long, you may have already suspected as much.
I'm not sure what my problem is with it. If someone asked me to do something like one of the boys, Bobby or at work, I would be all over it. Could it be the immediate gratification of helping someone? Their appreciation of me? Possibly and I'm sure to some degree but I really think it's an internal dialog that has become white noise in my mind. That recording that says "what you desire, what you need, what you want, your dreams, your passions, your likes are not, nor will they ever be important enough to do, achieve and therefore stop now before it gets to involved, stop now. Stop now before you invest talents, time and focus you simply do not have."
Now, I know all that is not true. I know that if I really wanted something, I would find a way.
Now, what I'm about to say in no way takes away the strength of someone who has survived something in their life, whether emotional, mental, spiritual, physical. I am well aware of that strength.
This is just where I am in my life. I am no longer comfortable being a survivor. Continuing to live? What kind of life? Exist? What kind of existence? To remain alive? Just alive?
No, no, I want more. I want to thrive - to grow or develop successfully : to flourish or succeed
Heck, I don't want to thrive I would rather flourish! to grow well : to be healthy
: to be very successful : to do very well
Yeah, I like that much better!
So here's to 2015 and finding my way to flourishing!
Truth be told - nothing inspires me. I don't mean it all gloomy, it's simply that nothing besides my faith and loving my family really stirs deep inside of me.
Another truth be told - I lack discipline and perseverance. GASP! Although if you have known me long, you may have already suspected as much.
I'm not sure what my problem is with it. If someone asked me to do something like one of the boys, Bobby or at work, I would be all over it. Could it be the immediate gratification of helping someone? Their appreciation of me? Possibly and I'm sure to some degree but I really think it's an internal dialog that has become white noise in my mind. That recording that says "what you desire, what you need, what you want, your dreams, your passions, your likes are not, nor will they ever be important enough to do, achieve and therefore stop now before it gets to involved, stop now. Stop now before you invest talents, time and focus you simply do not have."
Now, I know all that is not true. I know that if I really wanted something, I would find a way.
So, 2015 is my year of finding my way -
Finding my way to:
- a deeper relationship with God.
- loving deeper those that matter the most to me.
- financial freedom.
- being healthier (physically).
- growing in my career.
- finding my passion.
- being disciplined
- being organized (time management).
The sad thing is that I know everything is doable. I just have to do it. Stay focus, dig deep inside of myself. It's only me. I can read all the encouraging posts, blogs, books and articles but until I make a change, nothing will happen. I will be blessed because God is so merciful and gracious to me but I won't be living well.
I'll be surviving. Which, if you think about it, that is a bit of a victim mentality.
The Webster definition of Survive-
: to remain alive : to continue to live: to continue to exist
: to remain alive after the death of (someone)
Now, what I'm about to say in no way takes away the strength of someone who has survived something in their life, whether emotional, mental, spiritual, physical. I am well aware of that strength.
This is just where I am in my life. I am no longer comfortable being a survivor. Continuing to live? What kind of life? Exist? What kind of existence? To remain alive? Just alive?
No, no, I want more. I want to thrive - to grow or develop successfully : to flourish or succeed
Heck, I don't want to thrive I would rather flourish! to grow well : to be healthy
: to be very successful : to do very well
Yeah, I like that much better!
So here's to 2015 and finding my way to flourishing!
8/8/14
just wanted to share
I'm not sure where to start this post. I'm resisting the urge to just verbally vomit on here. It's not pretty and no one wants to read that. I'll do my best not to ramble but it may just happen. Just preparing you :)
Lately there has been such a deep stirring in my spirit. There have been so many personal changes within myself and my sons. I'm a little older, a little wiser, a little more funny and a lot more compassionate.
I've been looking over my life recently and I've determined I'm not content any more. Well, let me try to rephrase that because in all things I'm content but there is a stirring I cannot ignore. I'm content to be secure in where I am in life but I know there is more for me. I know God calls me to something higher, greater and more meaningful. That's where I'm not content. I'm not content to stay "here".
I recently posted on Facebook that I am no longer telling myself "wow, look how far you've come!" but rather stretching myself. "Where are you going?" has replaced the pat on the back. It's true - I've been through a lot and continue to be but it feels like it's defining me, at least to myself. Although my past is and will always be a part of who I am, it is not all that I am. I have goals, dreams and a purpose. I'm looking towards the future. Content in my present, enjoying the moment but reaching for something else.
My sons have taught me to look towards the future. They have no idea they did. Although, they would not be surprised simply because they are awesome (and they know it). Each one has dreams and goals, plans and routes they are wanting to take for their lives. I'm very proud of them. Proud for what they, themselves have come from. The journey of their own healing over the past 4 or so years. But also proud of where they are now. The young men they are and who they are becoming. Bright, funny, caring, kind young men who open doors, say please and thank you, do well in school, keep each other's secrets and laugh. Man, do those kids laugh ... a lot.
I'm so thankful for their relationship with one another and me. It's nothing for one of them to text me something funny or show me a crazy video. They rag me, laugh with and at me, compliment me on my singing, humor and even my looks :) They've seen me struggle and go without just so they could have. They have compassion and are not greedy. The know the value of a dollar. They are strong and brave. They are both street smart and book smart.
The women that captures their hearts will be blessed. And so will they. For, I believe, they will be a woman among women. Perhaps a little like the boys' mother.
This next season in my life is going to be some pulling and stretching as I find my way through my career and finances. I've worked very hard, many sleepless nights, many gut wrenching moments to partner with God in regards to healing my heart. Now it's time to move into a different fixin'. I'll be 38 soon. To which I am actually very excited about. It's time to get some things in order. To set some things straight in my life. It's going to be difficult, any thing worth having typically is. I do, however, believe I am up for the challenge.
I am beyond thankful to my Savior. Jesus, in His mercy and kindness, has been so good to me. Not a day goes by that He doesn't remind me of how much He loves me, protects and provides. We've been through a lot and I know the journey is not over.
I'd be a fool to lie and say I'm not a little concerned how things will play out. Or to try to tell you that I believe it's going to be "all good". It's life, so no, it won't be. But - and this is a very large but - I will be O.K. I will have resolve. I will move forward, even if it's an inch at a time.
Besides getting my finances in order - I intend to spend more time with God. I've slacked a bit because, well, I've been a little tired. God has granted me the rest but I can hear Him calling me back to our quiet times. It may seem silly or ungodly to say that I was resting apart from quiet time with Him. Basically, it was becoming a chore. Something to check off my list for the day. He doesn't want that. I'm certainly not blessed by that. God's Word was becoming just letters on a page. That, my friend, ain't no way to live. So I took a break. Still worshipped, still prayed, still gave Him all glory. Now I find the craving again for His wisdom, love, guidance, hope and peace.
I've decided to start with Ezra. No particular reason. I literally pulled it out of a hat. I'm looking forward to getting back into His Word.
Well, that's a little snippet of where I am right now. Just wanted to share -
Lately there has been such a deep stirring in my spirit. There have been so many personal changes within myself and my sons. I'm a little older, a little wiser, a little more funny and a lot more compassionate.
I've been looking over my life recently and I've determined I'm not content any more. Well, let me try to rephrase that because in all things I'm content but there is a stirring I cannot ignore. I'm content to be secure in where I am in life but I know there is more for me. I know God calls me to something higher, greater and more meaningful. That's where I'm not content. I'm not content to stay "here".
I recently posted on Facebook that I am no longer telling myself "wow, look how far you've come!" but rather stretching myself. "Where are you going?" has replaced the pat on the back. It's true - I've been through a lot and continue to be but it feels like it's defining me, at least to myself. Although my past is and will always be a part of who I am, it is not all that I am. I have goals, dreams and a purpose. I'm looking towards the future. Content in my present, enjoying the moment but reaching for something else.
My sons have taught me to look towards the future. They have no idea they did. Although, they would not be surprised simply because they are awesome (and they know it). Each one has dreams and goals, plans and routes they are wanting to take for their lives. I'm very proud of them. Proud for what they, themselves have come from. The journey of their own healing over the past 4 or so years. But also proud of where they are now. The young men they are and who they are becoming. Bright, funny, caring, kind young men who open doors, say please and thank you, do well in school, keep each other's secrets and laugh. Man, do those kids laugh ... a lot.
I'm so thankful for their relationship with one another and me. It's nothing for one of them to text me something funny or show me a crazy video. They rag me, laugh with and at me, compliment me on my singing, humor and even my looks :) They've seen me struggle and go without just so they could have. They have compassion and are not greedy. The know the value of a dollar. They are strong and brave. They are both street smart and book smart.
The women that captures their hearts will be blessed. And so will they. For, I believe, they will be a woman among women. Perhaps a little like the boys' mother.
This next season in my life is going to be some pulling and stretching as I find my way through my career and finances. I've worked very hard, many sleepless nights, many gut wrenching moments to partner with God in regards to healing my heart. Now it's time to move into a different fixin'. I'll be 38 soon. To which I am actually very excited about. It's time to get some things in order. To set some things straight in my life. It's going to be difficult, any thing worth having typically is. I do, however, believe I am up for the challenge.
I am beyond thankful to my Savior. Jesus, in His mercy and kindness, has been so good to me. Not a day goes by that He doesn't remind me of how much He loves me, protects and provides. We've been through a lot and I know the journey is not over.
I'd be a fool to lie and say I'm not a little concerned how things will play out. Or to try to tell you that I believe it's going to be "all good". It's life, so no, it won't be. But - and this is a very large but - I will be O.K. I will have resolve. I will move forward, even if it's an inch at a time.
Besides getting my finances in order - I intend to spend more time with God. I've slacked a bit because, well, I've been a little tired. God has granted me the rest but I can hear Him calling me back to our quiet times. It may seem silly or ungodly to say that I was resting apart from quiet time with Him. Basically, it was becoming a chore. Something to check off my list for the day. He doesn't want that. I'm certainly not blessed by that. God's Word was becoming just letters on a page. That, my friend, ain't no way to live. So I took a break. Still worshipped, still prayed, still gave Him all glory. Now I find the craving again for His wisdom, love, guidance, hope and peace.
I've decided to start with Ezra. No particular reason. I literally pulled it out of a hat. I'm looking forward to getting back into His Word.
Well, that's a little snippet of where I am right now. Just wanted to share -
4/20/14
Easter is Freeing!
Happy Easter!
Today is Easter and I am beyond thankful. I'm thankful for my Savior. He and I have been through a lot over the past 30 plus years. We've laughed, we've cried and through it all we've grown so close.
This Easter I find myself feeling a little different. Good Friday came and instead of feeling the weight of all my sin, I actually felt freedom. This feeling continued all through the weekend.
Lately God and I have been discussing having a sound mind. I used to worry myself silly over the "What ifs". Worry, worry, worry seemed to be all I knew how to do. Worry about my relationship with my sons. Worry about my finances. Worry about the boys relationship with one another. Worry over my mother. Just worry - worry - worry.
Oh I kept it under wraps. I didn't share my weight with anyone really. Maybe in passing or just in general I might mention something, usually passing it off as what everyone worries about. When the weight became too much to handle I would reach out to some friends for prayer. Of course I always took every care to Christ - but it was difficult to walk away. I hovered over Him while He worked things out, offering my advice. He was so patient with me.
I'm learning (and have come a long way if I may say so myself) to truly take every thought captive. To concern myself with the concerns of my Lord. Focusing on being the best Terri I can be. You know what? Everything is falling into place. There is such great healing with my kids. Healing within me. There is real belly laughter again in my home. There is respect, there is kindness and friendship again.
There is Joy.
There is Peace.
Back to this Easter Season - The reason I think is different is like I mentioned - Freedom. I have freedom in Christ. Free from my past bondage. Free from worry. Free from the "should". Free from any fear of the future.
Just freedom.
Reflecting over the post tonight made me realize something - I do believe that this is the first Easter I didn't celebrate with the Devil. Meaning - there was no condemnation - nothing lacking - no heaviness - Just pure love, joy and freedom in Christ who yet while I was a sinner died for me and loves me so much that He has counts the numbers of hair on my head and sings songs over me. The One who wakes me with whispers of encouragement, laughs with me through out the day and sends me to sleep with a heart full of love and assurance that I am His.
Although we should never down play the Cross or the pure evil of our sins - we also don't have to be so beaten down by them that we miss the pure love of The Trinity.
1/24/13
I wanna be excellent
I've been thinking a lot about being a woman of excellence. What does it mean? What does it look like? How can I achieve it? Numerous questions fill my mind. It started when I received a free Bible study from church, titled "Becoming a Woman of Excellence" by Cynthia Heald. It was many years ago and sadly to say I never finished it.
The study often comes to my mind. Usually when I don't feel excellent in what I'm doing. It pops up when I'm having a difficult time completing a task like a project for school or sewing a child's button or cleaning a fish tank. I've noticed that I want to skip corners and rush through things. A "lick and a promise" as my Grandma would say. Sure, sometimes that's needed, for instance you can't scrub the whole bathroom before work but you can wipe down the sink.
However my life has been a lot of wiping down the sink. I've been stuck in survival mode. Let's just get the day done with minimal resistance from life. Let's get the boys to bed without them fighting. Let's have a cheerful attitude with not so nice people.
I want more. I don't want to survive. I don't want to be that the highlight of the day was that I didn't mess something up. I want to live, have abundance... abundance of life and joy.
I love the show The Closer so when it ended and the cast started a new show, Major Crimes I was excited. I love the main character Sharon Raydor. Loved her since she first appeared on The Closer. She is one of those people that I could listen speak for hours. I was in awe of her stature, the way she carried herself, how she spoke to people and the wisdom that she showed. Yes, I realize it is a character on TV. Nonetheless I want to be like her.
There are some other characters that I have watched and have thought to myself "I want to behave like that." or "I want that patience" I began asking God to show me what it is about those people that have that I'm lacking, at least in my perception. Again, yes I realize they are TV characters but God knows where to find me. lol
My silent pray has been "I want to be like Sharon Raydor." Silly I'm sure but God understands what I mean. One day He dropped in my spirit "Carries herself with confidence, listens closely, observant, slow to speak and chooses words carefully."
Let's just say I'm still chewing on that. I have the observant part but the others ... not so much. I'm learning though. I'm growing and each day I can see it. Drawing closer to Christ is the key, allowing The Holy Spirit to move in my life is another part of it. Fully accepting God's lordship is important too. I'm not telling you anything new. We all have areas to grow, mature in and we all know that drawing closer to God is the answer. He loves us, created us in His image, died for us and prays for us. He comforts us, counts the number of hairs on our head, sings over us while we sleep, laughs with us, cries with us, smiles at us. He binds the broken hearted, tends to the weary. He is our all in all.
Take a few minutes to watch this video. You may have seen it before .... I just wanted to share it.
That's My King!
The study often comes to my mind. Usually when I don't feel excellent in what I'm doing. It pops up when I'm having a difficult time completing a task like a project for school or sewing a child's button or cleaning a fish tank. I've noticed that I want to skip corners and rush through things. A "lick and a promise" as my Grandma would say. Sure, sometimes that's needed, for instance you can't scrub the whole bathroom before work but you can wipe down the sink.
However my life has been a lot of wiping down the sink. I've been stuck in survival mode. Let's just get the day done with minimal resistance from life. Let's get the boys to bed without them fighting. Let's have a cheerful attitude with not so nice people.
I want more. I don't want to survive. I don't want to be that the highlight of the day was that I didn't mess something up. I want to live, have abundance... abundance of life and joy.
I love the show The Closer so when it ended and the cast started a new show, Major Crimes I was excited. I love the main character Sharon Raydor. Loved her since she first appeared on The Closer. She is one of those people that I could listen speak for hours. I was in awe of her stature, the way she carried herself, how she spoke to people and the wisdom that she showed. Yes, I realize it is a character on TV. Nonetheless I want to be like her.
There are some other characters that I have watched and have thought to myself "I want to behave like that." or "I want that patience" I began asking God to show me what it is about those people that have that I'm lacking, at least in my perception. Again, yes I realize they are TV characters but God knows where to find me. lol
My silent pray has been "I want to be like Sharon Raydor." Silly I'm sure but God understands what I mean. One day He dropped in my spirit "Carries herself with confidence, listens closely, observant, slow to speak and chooses words carefully."
Let's just say I'm still chewing on that. I have the observant part but the others ... not so much. I'm learning though. I'm growing and each day I can see it. Drawing closer to Christ is the key, allowing The Holy Spirit to move in my life is another part of it. Fully accepting God's lordship is important too. I'm not telling you anything new. We all have areas to grow, mature in and we all know that drawing closer to God is the answer. He loves us, created us in His image, died for us and prays for us. He comforts us, counts the number of hairs on our head, sings over us while we sleep, laughs with us, cries with us, smiles at us. He binds the broken hearted, tends to the weary. He is our all in all.
Take a few minutes to watch this video. You may have seen it before .... I just wanted to share it.
That's My King!
12/27/12
Excuses
2012 is coming to an end .... in just a few short days the New Year arrives. Looking back over the past year I can see where I have grown and changed. Things that once annoyed me so greatly doesn't even hit my radar. Where some things that never touched my heart, now are brought before the Lord in prayer. I've seen such growth in my sons as well. We are all learning and growing. It's been difficult, joyous, painful, and fun. Through it all God has been faithful.
Part of looking back in any situation or reason is to see the negative as well. Not that you dwell on the negative things in your life by no means. I'm simply saying that if you want to accurately assess a situation, whether it's a relationship, job, attitude, or whatever you should see it from all sides and that includes the negatives.
So in looking back at 2012 the negatives that stand out to me today are all my excuses. Mainly the excuses for not getting into shape which was my "in the back of my mind goal" for 2012.
Here is my list of excuses:
(no order)
(no order)
Time to buck up little girl. The only one that can change any of this is ... ME.
Time to get cracking (on myself!)
Part of looking back in any situation or reason is to see the negative as well. Not that you dwell on the negative things in your life by no means. I'm simply saying that if you want to accurately assess a situation, whether it's a relationship, job, attitude, or whatever you should see it from all sides and that includes the negatives.
So in looking back at 2012 the negatives that stand out to me today are all my excuses. Mainly the excuses for not getting into shape which was my "in the back of my mind goal" for 2012.
Here is my list of excuses:
(no order)
- I don't have enough time
- the boys need me
- I'm tired
- I'm stressed
- I am happy with me
(no order)
- I'm tired
- I can talk to God any time through out the day
- He knows my needs
- Not enough time
Time to buck up little girl. The only one that can change any of this is ... ME.
Time to get cracking (on myself!)
8/12/12
Just like his Mama
This morning my sweet youngest son was having difficulty with one of his PC games. It has been an issue for a couple of days now. I have listened patiently each time he tried to log in, insisting it was probably just a server problem and it should be working soon. I am not that techno savvy, so I didn't think that much of it.
Well, this morning the frustration was too much. I heard the anger rising in his voice so I offered to help. Of course each idea was met with resistance and reassurance that I simply "did not understand". Which probably is accurate but none-the-less I have had to use the Help option more then a few times in my life.
After a few minutes he simply started deleting the shortcuts and walked away.
While in the kitchen, a few minutes later, I whispered to God, "Lord, when he is ready, I will help him."
God whispered back. "That's what I say about you."
His words brought a smile to my face. An actual grin that says "Touche Pussy Cat". Yes, it's true. I can't count how many times I have simply muttered things under my breath, annoyed with something, not ready to really hear much less do what would be required. I just want to delete the shortcuts and walk away. All the while God is next to me offering help, suggestions, guidance, and I simply feel He doesn't understand. Each idea or even command is met with my own resistance and excuses.
God lovingly says, "When you're ready, I will help."
Well, this morning the frustration was too much. I heard the anger rising in his voice so I offered to help. Of course each idea was met with resistance and reassurance that I simply "did not understand". Which probably is accurate but none-the-less I have had to use the Help option more then a few times in my life.
After a few minutes he simply started deleting the shortcuts and walked away.
While in the kitchen, a few minutes later, I whispered to God, "Lord, when he is ready, I will help him."
God whispered back. "That's what I say about you."
His words brought a smile to my face. An actual grin that says "Touche Pussy Cat". Yes, it's true. I can't count how many times I have simply muttered things under my breath, annoyed with something, not ready to really hear much less do what would be required. I just want to delete the shortcuts and walk away. All the while God is next to me offering help, suggestions, guidance, and I simply feel He doesn't understand. Each idea or even command is met with my own resistance and excuses.
God lovingly says, "When you're ready, I will help."
4/17/12
Say a prayer
Recently my precious ten year old was diagnosed with ADHD. Not really a surprise, it was actually a relief. The condition explained so much. As most things in life with me, I went before the Throne is search of His peace and help with understanding, coping and explaining this to my other children. ADHD doesn't just affect the kid with it ... oh no my friend, the whole family basically has it but that is pretty standard for anything in life.
I thanked God for the answer. He and I immediately went to work on what was needed to be done. Between behavior modification, discussion of medications and structure I was gaining understanding and wait for it ... discipline. Yep, my word for 2012. God is too funny.
I am the type of person that is action based. True, I have my moments of standing still but for the most part I take action and often struggle because I don't always wait for God. Can anyone relate? This was no exception. I set up appointments for him to have a medication review, spoke with his teachers and his dad.
My heart was broken when one appointment was going to be six weeks out. Six weeks! "Oh Father!" I cried. "How could we survive for six more weeks?" The school was frustrated, the other two boys and I were frustrated. Simply having the answer was a short reprieve ... It is much easier to cope with something once you understand it but it was time for action.
I began praying, again and again. My prayers were on the lines like "God, please be with us today. Help son 3 not flip out today. Help son 1 and 2 not be so critical and freak out. Help me not to flip my lid and run away" I felt peace simply because I was with Him but I knew that there was something different. Something I was missing. I was praying as if God gives us band-aids not as if He is the Healer.
One morning I was getting ready for work. Again, praying my band-aid prayer when God spoke to me:
"Have you asked me to heal him?"
Well, of course not!
That very moment my prayers over him changed. Oh, he still has the appointment because I believe that God does use medication to heal us. We have to listen to what He is asking us to do. For an example, if I have a headache, I pray for God to touch me and if the headache doesn't go away I take an Motrin and always thank Him for the science behind it. I don't think science is the enemy but it can be if you place it above God and His mighty, healing power.
For over three weeks I have said the same prayer over that precious little guy.
"Father God, I praise you for son 3. He is a true treasure and joy in my life. You say that children are a blessing from the Lord and boy are You right. I ask Lord that You touch his mind for you have given son 3 a sound mind. Lord, You formed him. You picked out his hair color, his eye color. You have picked out every place where there is a freckle. You know how tall he will be. You have set a path for him. You know that plans you have for him. Son 3 is fearfully and wonderfully made by Your design. I thank you Lord that You cause Son 3's enemies to be at peace with him. Where understanding is limited bring clarity to all the teachers and students Father. Lord continue to bring unity, compassion, understanding and love between sons 1,2 and 3. Father, I seek Your wisdom for raising this mighty warrior. You have chosen me as his mom for a reason Father. I ask You to guide me, lead me for your word says that You gently lead those that have young. In the Name of Jesus, I come against the counterfeit plans of Satan for son 3.Lord, I am holding up my Shield of Faith, I have tucked son 3 close under my breast so that the fiery darts of the enemy cannot reach him. Lord, I thank You for the gift of Salvation. Lord, I praise You for grace. I love You more then words can express. In Jesus' Name I pray, Amen."
That is basically the gist of it. Not always in that order but always with that spirit. I have seen such an amazing improvement in his and our lives.
Prayer works! It truly does. I hope that you are encouraged to lift ALL your cares to Him for He is faithful!
I thanked God for the answer. He and I immediately went to work on what was needed to be done. Between behavior modification, discussion of medications and structure I was gaining understanding and wait for it ... discipline. Yep, my word for 2012. God is too funny.
I am the type of person that is action based. True, I have my moments of standing still but for the most part I take action and often struggle because I don't always wait for God. Can anyone relate? This was no exception. I set up appointments for him to have a medication review, spoke with his teachers and his dad.
My heart was broken when one appointment was going to be six weeks out. Six weeks! "Oh Father!" I cried. "How could we survive for six more weeks?" The school was frustrated, the other two boys and I were frustrated. Simply having the answer was a short reprieve ... It is much easier to cope with something once you understand it but it was time for action.
I began praying, again and again. My prayers were on the lines like "God, please be with us today. Help son 3 not flip out today. Help son 1 and 2 not be so critical and freak out. Help me not to flip my lid and run away" I felt peace simply because I was with Him but I knew that there was something different. Something I was missing. I was praying as if God gives us band-aids not as if He is the Healer.
One morning I was getting ready for work. Again, praying my band-aid prayer when God spoke to me:
"Have you asked me to heal him?"
Well, of course not!
That very moment my prayers over him changed. Oh, he still has the appointment because I believe that God does use medication to heal us. We have to listen to what He is asking us to do. For an example, if I have a headache, I pray for God to touch me and if the headache doesn't go away I take an Motrin and always thank Him for the science behind it. I don't think science is the enemy but it can be if you place it above God and His mighty, healing power.
For over three weeks I have said the same prayer over that precious little guy.
"Father God, I praise you for son 3. He is a true treasure and joy in my life. You say that children are a blessing from the Lord and boy are You right. I ask Lord that You touch his mind for you have given son 3 a sound mind. Lord, You formed him. You picked out his hair color, his eye color. You have picked out every place where there is a freckle. You know how tall he will be. You have set a path for him. You know that plans you have for him. Son 3 is fearfully and wonderfully made by Your design. I thank you Lord that You cause Son 3's enemies to be at peace with him. Where understanding is limited bring clarity to all the teachers and students Father. Lord continue to bring unity, compassion, understanding and love between sons 1,2 and 3. Father, I seek Your wisdom for raising this mighty warrior. You have chosen me as his mom for a reason Father. I ask You to guide me, lead me for your word says that You gently lead those that have young. In the Name of Jesus, I come against the counterfeit plans of Satan for son 3.Lord, I am holding up my Shield of Faith, I have tucked son 3 close under my breast so that the fiery darts of the enemy cannot reach him. Lord, I thank You for the gift of Salvation. Lord, I praise You for grace. I love You more then words can express. In Jesus' Name I pray, Amen."
That is basically the gist of it. Not always in that order but always with that spirit. I have seen such an amazing improvement in his and our lives.
Prayer works! It truly does. I hope that you are encouraged to lift ALL your cares to Him for He is faithful!
2/21/12
I just wanted to jump on here and share the adventure I'm having with the Lord. I find myself in tears some evenings, not because I'm sad but because I'm humbled. He is allowing me to do and see some things I never thought I could/would. I'm sure if I listed the things you might think "big deal" but to this girl - they're huge. It's simple things like having a job for two years. Have amazing boys that are starting to show some healing. Figure out before it's too late that I need to be checking my fluids on a regular basis. LOL
I've learned that I do have dreams. Pretty big ones actually. God has been teaching me that I am worthy. Never have I felt more loved by people. I have buried some scripture deep down in my marrow. My smile is brighter and not just because God blessed me with two new front teeth :) My spirit is lighter. I'm more forgiving and less legalistic. I laugh - a lot!
As I'm writing this, tears are just streaming down my face. I have never felt more alive and closer to Him. God, Jesus, The Holy Spirit and I have been through some crazy times lately. I am blown away by His grace, mercy and love.
I'm learning to be meek and quiet. THAT is huge! lol That is something I started studying, whew, five years ago.
I still have no clue where we are going but boy am I enjoying the ride. The sights are amazing :) God has big plans for me and the boys. Sure - there are some bumps and pot holes. You bet there are mountains and valleys but MY GOD IS BIGGER.
Romans 8:31
What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?
My God is mighty. My God is on the throne. I am a joint heir with Christ. I have been filled with The Holy Spirit. Watch out! lol
I've learned that I do have dreams. Pretty big ones actually. God has been teaching me that I am worthy. Never have I felt more loved by people. I have buried some scripture deep down in my marrow. My smile is brighter and not just because God blessed me with two new front teeth :) My spirit is lighter. I'm more forgiving and less legalistic. I laugh - a lot!
As I'm writing this, tears are just streaming down my face. I have never felt more alive and closer to Him. God, Jesus, The Holy Spirit and I have been through some crazy times lately. I am blown away by His grace, mercy and love.
I'm learning to be meek and quiet. THAT is huge! lol That is something I started studying, whew, five years ago.
I still have no clue where we are going but boy am I enjoying the ride. The sights are amazing :) God has big plans for me and the boys. Sure - there are some bumps and pot holes. You bet there are mountains and valleys but MY GOD IS BIGGER.
Romans 8:31
What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?
My God is mighty. My God is on the throne. I am a joint heir with Christ. I have been filled with The Holy Spirit. Watch out! lol
1/18/12
Ramblings
O.K. so here I am trying to get back into writing here consistently. Ugh, that word ... Consistent ... maybe that should have been my word for 2012. It seems to be popping up everywhere. I think that it does go hand in hand with discipline.
Anyway - I have started school. I'm going for Human Sciences. I am very excited. My first and only class right now is English 111. I've decided to start off slow. I really don't want to scare myself. Ha-ha. Summer I will be taking that silly mandatory "Welcome to College" course. One credit, probably for one Saturday. Then, come the Fall, I'm planning on taking a bit more credits. My goal is to use all my FASFA and apply for scholarships. Of course there is always student loans. Which I am trying to avoid as long as possible. However, I'm not too worried about receiving a loan. It's for my future as well as the boys. If it helps me go to school for more credits per semester and not have to work 40+ hours a week then it would be worth it. One desire of my heart is not to take away a huge chunk of time away from Matt, David and Ryan. They still need their mother.
Speaking of mothering ... Matt will be 14 this Saturday. Hard to believe in some ways. I remember the day he was born. I remember his room wasn't ready when I was checked into the hospital for preeclampsia. I was upset because we hadn't washed anything. The crib wasn't put together. Nothing was prepared. My amazing friends - Tina, Sarah, J.P. and Nathen took care of everything for us. I was able to deliver Matt on a Wednesday worry free ... well, at least about that!
Over the past 14 years with Matt has been an absolute joy! He is my first. I remember walking him in an umbrella stroller around and around house. I remember when he started biting. Boy did he think that was fun. I remember the pounding on the door from the police because he has dialed 911 and then left the phone off the hook. How could I forget the one day when he was about 22 months old - David was about 4 months. We were running errands, on Greenbrier Parkway (a busy main street) - out from the back of the Dodge Neon I hear "Mama, David coughing - I gave him a penny to keep - he ate it" Yes, that was me back in 1999 on the side of the road shoving my finger down David's throat all along assuring Matt he wasn't in trouble but please don't give David anything that you haven't asked Mommy about!
Thinking back there are just so many memories. First steps, first words, first day of school. You all have those too. I guess I'm just feeling a little ... nostalgic ... I was such a weird mom, I think. I gave him, well all my boys, highly diluted catnip tea in bottles starting at one week old. Never had colic. My boys never wore shoes until they started walking. They always wore hats that covered their ears on any cool day/evening through out the year. I dressed them as I was dressed. If I was chilly we all wore a sweatshirt or blanket. If I wasn't - they didn't. They were never sick as real, little guys. Well, once David developed Whooping Cough when he was about 18 months. Oh, and I never baby-proofed my home nor did I ever expect any of our friends to baby proof theirs.
It's hard to believe that Matt will be in High School next school year. He is applying for the Tech Academy. Whether he gets in or not, the skies the limit for him. It was just 10 years ago he was playing with index cards on the kitchen floor. Twelve years ago he was reading to his little brother. Nine years ago he was teaching his baby brother animal sounds. He's been a missionary when he grows up to a Navy Pilot to a K9 officer, not to mention owning his own company during it all :)
He is getting taller. Just a bit taller then me. He wears a size 10 in men's! He is just about able to buy men size jeans. He's been in men's shirts for about a year. Just so big! I remember thinking that the 0-3 months were big~ considering he was 4 weeks early, weighing in at 5lbs 8oz and 18.5" long. My favorite thing to do was swaddle Matt and just hold him. How could I have something so beautiful, sweet, and pure? If God never blessed me again from that day forward ... Matt was enough.
But He didn't stop there :) Two more blessings followed and my life has never been the same. Not that I want it to be. Those three boys ... young men are a true treasure and delight. Yes, my house is messy from time to time. You bet it's loud "up in here!" A bit disorganized and down right rude but those are my youngins. Men and warriors that God has entrusted me with. It's a big job and thank You Jesus, You are a big God, cause it's hard some days. I loose my way, I fall, make mistakes .... ah yes, that word again consistency ... I'm learning ... I'm learning.
Being a single mom hasn't been as traumatic as I first thought. I think my most difficult part is the lack of back up. I'm "walking this beat" alone, physically speaking. I have no one to take over when I have lost my temper or my ability to speak in such a way that they understand. Probably though, if I stopped yelling, nagging or whining ... they might understand ... just kidding, sorta. There is no one there for that immediate head nod that assures me my assessment is correct. No father figure is there that has that silent look that says "this is your mother speaking to you and you will ... " but I have the Holy Spirit which is more then enough!! He gives me the wisdom and discernment I need. Not to mention on the really hard days - He gives me comfort. The Trinity is teaching me all about discipline and .... being consistent. I'm in school on so many levels ... LOL
O.K. - I do believe it's time to stop rambling. My heart is full of gratitude for my God and my sons. He has given me such amazing blessings. From the boys to great friends. A nice, warm roof over our heads to a great job. Yummy food in our bellies to clothes on our backs. My God is my Rock and Refuge -
I want to share one more thing before I end this ... It's my all time favorite Psalm ...
Psalm 16
Anyway - I have started school. I'm going for Human Sciences. I am very excited. My first and only class right now is English 111. I've decided to start off slow. I really don't want to scare myself. Ha-ha. Summer I will be taking that silly mandatory "Welcome to College" course. One credit, probably for one Saturday. Then, come the Fall, I'm planning on taking a bit more credits. My goal is to use all my FASFA and apply for scholarships. Of course there is always student loans. Which I am trying to avoid as long as possible. However, I'm not too worried about receiving a loan. It's for my future as well as the boys. If it helps me go to school for more credits per semester and not have to work 40+ hours a week then it would be worth it. One desire of my heart is not to take away a huge chunk of time away from Matt, David and Ryan. They still need their mother.
Speaking of mothering ... Matt will be 14 this Saturday. Hard to believe in some ways. I remember the day he was born. I remember his room wasn't ready when I was checked into the hospital for preeclampsia. I was upset because we hadn't washed anything. The crib wasn't put together. Nothing was prepared. My amazing friends - Tina, Sarah, J.P. and Nathen took care of everything for us. I was able to deliver Matt on a Wednesday worry free ... well, at least about that!
Over the past 14 years with Matt has been an absolute joy! He is my first. I remember walking him in an umbrella stroller around and around house. I remember when he started biting. Boy did he think that was fun. I remember the pounding on the door from the police because he has dialed 911 and then left the phone off the hook. How could I forget the one day when he was about 22 months old - David was about 4 months. We were running errands, on Greenbrier Parkway (a busy main street) - out from the back of the Dodge Neon I hear "Mama, David coughing - I gave him a penny to keep - he ate it" Yes, that was me back in 1999 on the side of the road shoving my finger down David's throat all along assuring Matt he wasn't in trouble but please don't give David anything that you haven't asked Mommy about!
Thinking back there are just so many memories. First steps, first words, first day of school. You all have those too. I guess I'm just feeling a little ... nostalgic ... I was such a weird mom, I think. I gave him, well all my boys, highly diluted catnip tea in bottles starting at one week old. Never had colic. My boys never wore shoes until they started walking. They always wore hats that covered their ears on any cool day/evening through out the year. I dressed them as I was dressed. If I was chilly we all wore a sweatshirt or blanket. If I wasn't - they didn't. They were never sick as real, little guys. Well, once David developed Whooping Cough when he was about 18 months. Oh, and I never baby-proofed my home nor did I ever expect any of our friends to baby proof theirs.
It's hard to believe that Matt will be in High School next school year. He is applying for the Tech Academy. Whether he gets in or not, the skies the limit for him. It was just 10 years ago he was playing with index cards on the kitchen floor. Twelve years ago he was reading to his little brother. Nine years ago he was teaching his baby brother animal sounds. He's been a missionary when he grows up to a Navy Pilot to a K9 officer, not to mention owning his own company during it all :)
He is getting taller. Just a bit taller then me. He wears a size 10 in men's! He is just about able to buy men size jeans. He's been in men's shirts for about a year. Just so big! I remember thinking that the 0-3 months were big~ considering he was 4 weeks early, weighing in at 5lbs 8oz and 18.5" long. My favorite thing to do was swaddle Matt and just hold him. How could I have something so beautiful, sweet, and pure? If God never blessed me again from that day forward ... Matt was enough.
But He didn't stop there :) Two more blessings followed and my life has never been the same. Not that I want it to be. Those three boys ... young men are a true treasure and delight. Yes, my house is messy from time to time. You bet it's loud "up in here!" A bit disorganized and down right rude but those are my youngins. Men and warriors that God has entrusted me with. It's a big job and thank You Jesus, You are a big God, cause it's hard some days. I loose my way, I fall, make mistakes .... ah yes, that word again consistency ... I'm learning ... I'm learning.
Being a single mom hasn't been as traumatic as I first thought. I think my most difficult part is the lack of back up. I'm "walking this beat" alone, physically speaking. I have no one to take over when I have lost my temper or my ability to speak in such a way that they understand. Probably though, if I stopped yelling, nagging or whining ... they might understand ... just kidding, sorta. There is no one there for that immediate head nod that assures me my assessment is correct. No father figure is there that has that silent look that says "this is your mother speaking to you and you will ... " but I have the Holy Spirit which is more then enough!! He gives me the wisdom and discernment I need. Not to mention on the really hard days - He gives me comfort. The Trinity is teaching me all about discipline and .... being consistent. I'm in school on so many levels ... LOL
O.K. - I do believe it's time to stop rambling. My heart is full of gratitude for my God and my sons. He has given me such amazing blessings. From the boys to great friends. A nice, warm roof over our heads to a great job. Yummy food in our bellies to clothes on our backs. My God is my Rock and Refuge -
I want to share one more thing before I end this ... It's my all time favorite Psalm ...
Psalm 16
1 Keep me safe, my God,
for in you I take refuge.
2 I say to the LORD, “You are my Lord;
apart from you I have no good thing.”
3 I say of the holy people who are in the land,
“They are the noble ones in whom is all my delight.”
4 Those who run after other gods will suffer more and more.
I will not pour out libations of blood to such gods
or take up their names on my lips.
5 LORD, you alone are my portion and my cup;
you make my lot secure.
6 The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
surely I have a delightful inheritance.
7 I will praise the LORD, who counsels me;
even at night my heart instructs me.
8 I keep my eyes always on the LORD.
With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken.
9 Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;
my body also will rest secure,
10 because you will not abandon me to the realm of the dead,
nor will you let your faithful one see decay.
11 You make known to me the path of life;
you will fill me with joy in your presence,
with eternal pleasures at your right hand.
Be ever-so-blessed my friends!!
1/3/12
Discipline
This is my word for 2012. Kind of a big word but hey, I have a big God. I read this article Choosing Words To Live By I was immediately struck by it. It didn't take me long to figure out what word God would have me study.
DISCIPLINE
There are so many reasons this word is important for 2012. One being that I am being called to be more disciplined in my daily walk with Christ. I am saddened by how I have chosen other things to fill my time. God is so kind and patient with me. He never pushes Himself on me. I can just sense His presence ... the still, quietness of His voice beckoning me to spend time with Him.
I want to, I want to wake up in the morning and give Him my best. I want to gain insight and direction. The thought of sipping a cup of coffee while praying, listening seems so ... right.
Yet, there I am ... rushing around the house. I'm trying to get my shower, kids up, cats fed, you name it. I'm doing just about everything else but resting in Him. I often wondered how much better my day would go if I just took 10 minutes, first thing in the morning to be with God.
My spirit knows the answer. So does Satan.
Anyway - coming back to the basis of this post .... I am on a quest to discover DISCIPLINE.
DISCIPLINE
There are so many reasons this word is important for 2012. One being that I am being called to be more disciplined in my daily walk with Christ. I am saddened by how I have chosen other things to fill my time. God is so kind and patient with me. He never pushes Himself on me. I can just sense His presence ... the still, quietness of His voice beckoning me to spend time with Him.
I want to, I want to wake up in the morning and give Him my best. I want to gain insight and direction. The thought of sipping a cup of coffee while praying, listening seems so ... right.
Yet, there I am ... rushing around the house. I'm trying to get my shower, kids up, cats fed, you name it. I'm doing just about everything else but resting in Him. I often wondered how much better my day would go if I just took 10 minutes, first thing in the morning to be with God.
My spirit knows the answer. So does Satan.
Anyway - coming back to the basis of this post .... I am on a quest to discover DISCIPLINE.
8/18/11
It has been a long time since I have been here ... Here meaning not just on this blog but in this state of spiritual weakness.
When my husband left I immediately ran to Christ. I don't think I have ever been stronger, spiritually speaking, as that year or so. I laid before God on behalf of myself, Bo, the boys, his girlfriend, her family and our friends (they just about struggled with it as much as the boys and I did!) It seemed like I never left that prostrate position! I prayed literally like we are told, without ceasing, for healing, forgiveness, mercy, grace, and for God to move in such a powerful way in our lives. I didn't care how He did it or what it looked like.
God in His mercy did move. He did bring much healing and the like into the boys and my life. Is there still work to be done? You bet. It seems now that those prayers that were prayed with such a heavy heart and much tears have now moved into declaration prayers. I see God moving all the time. The only difference is that He has called me to take a more active part in the answers. May He be glorified! See before, He knew all I had to offer Him was a quiet Yes. Now He knows I can offer a Yes, Amen and I will!
What a difference two years make!
God brought me about six months ago to a place of rest. It has been glorious, truly. Around the Holiday Season of 2010 my heart was released from my marriage. I had fought hard. Not in worldly ways but on my knees in total surrender to my King. I had defeated by God's grace the Enemy that had come to kill, steal and destroy me. Like I said - after that hard fight God allowed a season of rest.
In this season of rest I don't think I have laughed any harder at any other time in my life. I have reconnected with some great friends. Went on two vacations, one with my precious boys and one on my own. I have continued to get healthy which has resulting in my now total weight loss of 41 pounds! I continue to be blessed beyond measure. I am humbled by this amazing season.
Here we are coming up to the Fall. A new season. I can see the Enemy's army on the horizon. I can hear him conspiring with his demons. I know what Satan's end time goal is for me and my sons. The Bible is clear in John 10:10, he comes to steal, kill and destroy (paraphrase mine). Well, all I can say is that I am sharpening my sword and being fitted with my armor (Ephesians 6:10-17)
I'm not saying that my knees won't knock from time to time. I'm not saying that I won't find myself questioning whether or not I can handle things. I know my knees will and I will question my ability but what I won't do is question God's ability. I will be like David - declaring before each battle "You come against me with the sword and spear and javelin, but I come against you in the name of the Lord Almighty" (1 Samuel 17:45)
When my husband left I immediately ran to Christ. I don't think I have ever been stronger, spiritually speaking, as that year or so. I laid before God on behalf of myself, Bo, the boys, his girlfriend, her family and our friends (they just about struggled with it as much as the boys and I did!) It seemed like I never left that prostrate position! I prayed literally like we are told, without ceasing, for healing, forgiveness, mercy, grace, and for God to move in such a powerful way in our lives. I didn't care how He did it or what it looked like.
God in His mercy did move. He did bring much healing and the like into the boys and my life. Is there still work to be done? You bet. It seems now that those prayers that were prayed with such a heavy heart and much tears have now moved into declaration prayers. I see God moving all the time. The only difference is that He has called me to take a more active part in the answers. May He be glorified! See before, He knew all I had to offer Him was a quiet Yes. Now He knows I can offer a Yes, Amen and I will!
What a difference two years make!
God brought me about six months ago to a place of rest. It has been glorious, truly. Around the Holiday Season of 2010 my heart was released from my marriage. I had fought hard. Not in worldly ways but on my knees in total surrender to my King. I had defeated by God's grace the Enemy that had come to kill, steal and destroy me. Like I said - after that hard fight God allowed a season of rest.
In this season of rest I don't think I have laughed any harder at any other time in my life. I have reconnected with some great friends. Went on two vacations, one with my precious boys and one on my own. I have continued to get healthy which has resulting in my now total weight loss of 41 pounds! I continue to be blessed beyond measure. I am humbled by this amazing season.
Here we are coming up to the Fall. A new season. I can see the Enemy's army on the horizon. I can hear him conspiring with his demons. I know what Satan's end time goal is for me and my sons. The Bible is clear in John 10:10, he comes to steal, kill and destroy (paraphrase mine). Well, all I can say is that I am sharpening my sword and being fitted with my armor (Ephesians 6:10-17)
I'm not saying that my knees won't knock from time to time. I'm not saying that I won't find myself questioning whether or not I can handle things. I know my knees will and I will question my ability but what I won't do is question God's ability. I will be like David - declaring before each battle "You come against me with the sword and spear and javelin, but I come against you in the name of the Lord Almighty" (1 Samuel 17:45)
3/13/11
Isaiah 40:11
Here is a verse that has been so precious to me especially over the last three or four years. It's from the Book of Isaiah.
Isaiah 40:11
"He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart, he gently leads those that have young."
Are you someone who has young? Are you someone who needs to be lead? How about just needing to be gathered in God's arms and held close to His chest?
If you are like me you are saying "Yes, yes and Amen." It is no secret that when you have a child you need someone to guide you. It's not just the big stuff, although that is important. It seems to be the little stuff. We all know we need to teach our children not to lie, steal or murder. As christian it goes deeper like harboring anger, unforgiving, omitting things and the like. However there are little things like opening doors for people. Speaking with a kindness. Having patience with other people (especially your younger siblings) that we should be focusing on.
Even with all that said we need someone to guide us when dealing with our children's hearts. I have three sons with three different personalities. I rely on Christ daily to show me to reach them. I have one boy who is cautious of sharing things. He seems to think that his opinion doesn't matter. He bottles things in and becomes emotional over everything. My other boy is always fine. Nothing bothers him, everything is cool. However he becomes sullen and withdrawn. Then there is my other guy. He lashes out at everyone for anything. Always on the attack, not wanting to compromise or hear someone's side. I find myself, when not relying on Christ's wisdom, always treating symptoms never the cause.
As parents we have to always be looking for the root, the heart of our children. It's O.K. to give your child some space but don't let distance come between you and them. Seek God, He will lead you. He will give you wisdom. God created those little ones, perfectly and without flaw.
The other meaning I receive from that verse is that I can fall into His arms when I am tired and overwhelmed. He guides me, leads me on how to raise my children. He comforts me. He is my Shepherd. A shepherd knows his flock. He tends to their daily needs. The shepherd protects his flock. A shepherd watches over, looking out for dangers. Just like our Lord.
Are you resting in the arms of your Shepherd? I am and there is no great place to be.
Isaiah 40:11
"He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart, he gently leads those that have young."
Are you someone who has young? Are you someone who needs to be lead? How about just needing to be gathered in God's arms and held close to His chest?
If you are like me you are saying "Yes, yes and Amen." It is no secret that when you have a child you need someone to guide you. It's not just the big stuff, although that is important. It seems to be the little stuff. We all know we need to teach our children not to lie, steal or murder. As christian it goes deeper like harboring anger, unforgiving, omitting things and the like. However there are little things like opening doors for people. Speaking with a kindness. Having patience with other people (especially your younger siblings) that we should be focusing on.
Even with all that said we need someone to guide us when dealing with our children's hearts. I have three sons with three different personalities. I rely on Christ daily to show me to reach them. I have one boy who is cautious of sharing things. He seems to think that his opinion doesn't matter. He bottles things in and becomes emotional over everything. My other boy is always fine. Nothing bothers him, everything is cool. However he becomes sullen and withdrawn. Then there is my other guy. He lashes out at everyone for anything. Always on the attack, not wanting to compromise or hear someone's side. I find myself, when not relying on Christ's wisdom, always treating symptoms never the cause.
As parents we have to always be looking for the root, the heart of our children. It's O.K. to give your child some space but don't let distance come between you and them. Seek God, He will lead you. He will give you wisdom. God created those little ones, perfectly and without flaw.
The other meaning I receive from that verse is that I can fall into His arms when I am tired and overwhelmed. He guides me, leads me on how to raise my children. He comforts me. He is my Shepherd. A shepherd knows his flock. He tends to their daily needs. The shepherd protects his flock. A shepherd watches over, looking out for dangers. Just like our Lord.
Are you resting in the arms of your Shepherd? I am and there is no great place to be.
3/2/11
Spring is in the air!
I am sitting here enjoying the beautiful breeze coming through my bedroom window. I can hear the sounds of laughter from all the kids, mine included, from the neighborhood. The house is fairly straight. Work, my outside work, is done for the day. Checked on my farm :) Gotta love Facebook.
Right now I am just so encourage by Spring. The concept of Spring. The newness of Spring. Fresh starts and new beginnings. Last spring I was hopeful of this relaxed spirit but I didn't quite have it. I knew one day I would.
Last year this time I was more in the mode of putting one foot in front of the other. Head down, doing this thang. Being there for the boys. Making ends meet. Living day in and day out.
This year I am overwhelmed with the possibilities. The boys and I are happy. Things are well with our soul. Christ does truly make all things new.
I do not know the future but I do know the One who holds the future!
As I'm writing this and ice cream truck is driving through my neighborhood. Matt hollers from his room "You know it's Spring when the Ice Cream Truck comes around!" Very, very true.
Is God sounding the ice cream truck in your life?
54488-210-186CCA4F019F1942B31FCAAA427A1396
Right now I am just so encourage by Spring. The concept of Spring. The newness of Spring. Fresh starts and new beginnings. Last spring I was hopeful of this relaxed spirit but I didn't quite have it. I knew one day I would.
Last year this time I was more in the mode of putting one foot in front of the other. Head down, doing this thang. Being there for the boys. Making ends meet. Living day in and day out.
This year I am overwhelmed with the possibilities. The boys and I are happy. Things are well with our soul. Christ does truly make all things new.
I do not know the future but I do know the One who holds the future!
As I'm writing this and ice cream truck is driving through my neighborhood. Matt hollers from his room "You know it's Spring when the Ice Cream Truck comes around!" Very, very true.
Is God sounding the ice cream truck in your life?
54488-210-186CCA4F019F1942B31FCAAA427A1396
1/20/11
life ... and other stuff
Right now I am sitting with my youngest at my feet. He is an amazing 9 year old boy. He is doing his project which is due tomorrow. I'm answering questions as I search the web. My oldest son will be 13 tomorrow. THIRTEEN! Crazy. He, too, is wrapping up homework so I am answering questions as I search the web. My middle dude is making a bed-time snack as I search the web (hee hee)
I am truly blessed.
I have been working at my place of employment for a year now. It has truly blessed me. I enjoy everyone I work with. We are like a family. Every day I am still excited to go to work.
The boys are doing really well in school. Honor Roll, all three. I've been able to have lunch with Ry a few times. Which is always so fun. Once work settles down a bit, I've been working over time since my office manager has been out, I'm going to take M and D out for lunch. It's so important to stay connected with each one. We've never been the sit-at-the-kitchen-table-eating-dinner kind of family. Now, sitting around the coffee table watching Biggest Loser ... yeah that is more like us. So I am making time. Whether it's just two of us heading up to WaWa for some gas or taking a minute in the hall way to say "Hey, you are awesome. How was your day?"
For months I have said in the morning "Have a great day. I will see you when I get off work. I love you." The usual response has been "K. Love you too." Just this week I have been so surprised by my three sons. Ry, who leaves before I usually do, turned around in the driveway and said "Do you work today?" Me- "Yes" Ry -" Then you have a great day too!" Wow! Then, D said to me "OK Mom. I love you too and have a great day at work today." Neat! The next thing I know M texts me with "Love you too Mom. Have a great day!" It is just sooo nice :)
There are still moments. M seems the most angry. But, with God's grace, we are getting through it. M and D seem to have lost an interest in God. I know I didn't help. I allowed Fellowship to go onto the back burner. I still read, I still studied and Lord knows, I still prayed but I didn't make sure our bottoms were at church every Sunday. I know my kids are disappointed with God. With His help and mercy things will change.
I've been reading the Bible with Ry. He is excited about his relationship with Christ. This has gotten D asking questions. This weekend we are heading back to church. I started going back a few weeks ago but between the flu and Dad having the boys every other weekend ... this is the first weekend everyone will be feeling good and home. I bought a little 100 day devotional for teens. M and I talked about it and we, the four of us, are going to sit down every Wednesday and read one. I'm looking forward to it. Who knows what I am going to learn :)
I get all teary eyed thinking about my boys and my life now. They are such troopers.
There is still some pain left for me. Some days I look at my husband and ache to be back with him. Then there are days when I am O.K. that we are not together. I would say that I am more at peace then at pain. God truly is the Healer. I know He is healing my children. I am getting over the whole "This isn't what I wanted ... " thing. No, it's not what I wanted but it is what I have and it is good.
I have learned that God is a lamp unto my feet. I have learned not to look to forward down the path. I only have so much light and I'm using that light wisely. I'm looking at Christ's face. I'm looking at my kids. I'm looking at just the here and now.
I do have some goals that are a little further out. Like I am going to go to college. I will probably start this summer. I'm going to be busting my butt in 2011 to pay off all debt so that some time in 2012 I can buy a house. I plan on getting into a routine of exercising and continue to loose weight. But that is about as far as I have gotten. Which is pretty good if I do say so myself.
Life is a precious gift ... God is good ... Children are a gift from the Lord ... Love waits ... Friends pray ... Hearts hurt ... Joy cometh ... I still smile and laugh ...
I am truly amazed at how far things have come in the past year or so. Do I still hurt? You bet but it's further and farther between. God heals and His peace comes. The Holy Spirit is the Comforter.
God, You are good and Your mercies endure forever!
I am truly blessed.
I have been working at my place of employment for a year now. It has truly blessed me. I enjoy everyone I work with. We are like a family. Every day I am still excited to go to work.
The boys are doing really well in school. Honor Roll, all three. I've been able to have lunch with Ry a few times. Which is always so fun. Once work settles down a bit, I've been working over time since my office manager has been out, I'm going to take M and D out for lunch. It's so important to stay connected with each one. We've never been the sit-at-the-kitchen-table-eating-dinner kind of family. Now, sitting around the coffee table watching Biggest Loser ... yeah that is more like us. So I am making time. Whether it's just two of us heading up to WaWa for some gas or taking a minute in the hall way to say "Hey, you are awesome. How was your day?"
For months I have said in the morning "Have a great day. I will see you when I get off work. I love you." The usual response has been "K. Love you too." Just this week I have been so surprised by my three sons. Ry, who leaves before I usually do, turned around in the driveway and said "Do you work today?" Me- "Yes" Ry -" Then you have a great day too!" Wow! Then, D said to me "OK Mom. I love you too and have a great day at work today." Neat! The next thing I know M texts me with "Love you too Mom. Have a great day!" It is just sooo nice :)
There are still moments. M seems the most angry. But, with God's grace, we are getting through it. M and D seem to have lost an interest in God. I know I didn't help. I allowed Fellowship to go onto the back burner. I still read, I still studied and Lord knows, I still prayed but I didn't make sure our bottoms were at church every Sunday. I know my kids are disappointed with God. With His help and mercy things will change.
I've been reading the Bible with Ry. He is excited about his relationship with Christ. This has gotten D asking questions. This weekend we are heading back to church. I started going back a few weeks ago but between the flu and Dad having the boys every other weekend ... this is the first weekend everyone will be feeling good and home. I bought a little 100 day devotional for teens. M and I talked about it and we, the four of us, are going to sit down every Wednesday and read one. I'm looking forward to it. Who knows what I am going to learn :)
I get all teary eyed thinking about my boys and my life now. They are such troopers.
There is still some pain left for me. Some days I look at my husband and ache to be back with him. Then there are days when I am O.K. that we are not together. I would say that I am more at peace then at pain. God truly is the Healer. I know He is healing my children. I am getting over the whole "This isn't what I wanted ... " thing. No, it's not what I wanted but it is what I have and it is good.
I have learned that God is a lamp unto my feet. I have learned not to look to forward down the path. I only have so much light and I'm using that light wisely. I'm looking at Christ's face. I'm looking at my kids. I'm looking at just the here and now.
I do have some goals that are a little further out. Like I am going to go to college. I will probably start this summer. I'm going to be busting my butt in 2011 to pay off all debt so that some time in 2012 I can buy a house. I plan on getting into a routine of exercising and continue to loose weight. But that is about as far as I have gotten. Which is pretty good if I do say so myself.
Life is a precious gift ... God is good ... Children are a gift from the Lord ... Love waits ... Friends pray ... Hearts hurt ... Joy cometh ... I still smile and laugh ...
I am truly amazed at how far things have come in the past year or so. Do I still hurt? You bet but it's further and farther between. God heals and His peace comes. The Holy Spirit is the Comforter.
God, You are good and Your mercies endure forever!
11/25/10
Sharing something personal ...
I'm going to share two entries from my journal. I never intended to do this but I felt the Lord nudge me into doing this. I trust Him. I never really had a journal. Well, I did when I was about 13 but nothing serious. I never wanted to put my thoughts on paper like that. I had every intention of burning this journal when I was done. No reason why ... just didn't want it hanging around. However I know that this journal is important to me and more importantly, perhaps to others. This past year or so has been an amazing journey ... here is the first and second entry.
Today is February 4, 2010. Today I am angry. I know that I won't always be angry. Honestly for the most part I'm not angry. My world feels like it is crashing in on me. I'd love to back track and get you up to speed - but I won't. Today I can't relive the horror. Tonight I'm alone. The boys are making cookies. Bo - the love of my life is somewhere, with maybe someone else. Bo has chosen to leave me. To end our marriage. It's killing me. I'm not sure even why it hurts so bad. I guess I really do love him. I guess he was the only one, besides my precious boys, to get under my skin, deep into my heart. I know how hard our marriage has been. But honestly it wasn't all bad. I am sensing God leading me into the gray. I don't like the gray. There is security in the black and white. Bo said tonight that I'm treating this as do or die. That's how I feel. I wish I could relax as he said. Lord - I am trusting You but I know that doesn't mean I won't hurt. How do I get past this? Tina says time. I want quick fixes and I don't want to wait for time. Am I really trusting? Lord - I love my husband. I love Bo deeply. It hurts and I am sad ... I know a big part of my problem is the push back from Satan. I pray without wavering and then my heart and mind go nuts. That needs to stop, in the Name of Jesus. Hebrews 10:35, 36 Romans 8:9-11 So do not throw away your confidence, it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.
February 5
Today I feel empowered. Not empowered by my ability in any situation but empowered by His Spirit. I will not put human conditions on God. He is faithful, He is true. His burden is light and His yoke is easy. He is my God. I server Him out of love.
Today is February 4, 2010. Today I am angry. I know that I won't always be angry. Honestly for the most part I'm not angry. My world feels like it is crashing in on me. I'd love to back track and get you up to speed - but I won't. Today I can't relive the horror. Tonight I'm alone. The boys are making cookies. Bo - the love of my life is somewhere, with maybe someone else. Bo has chosen to leave me. To end our marriage. It's killing me. I'm not sure even why it hurts so bad. I guess I really do love him. I guess he was the only one, besides my precious boys, to get under my skin, deep into my heart. I know how hard our marriage has been. But honestly it wasn't all bad. I am sensing God leading me into the gray. I don't like the gray. There is security in the black and white. Bo said tonight that I'm treating this as do or die. That's how I feel. I wish I could relax as he said. Lord - I am trusting You but I know that doesn't mean I won't hurt. How do I get past this? Tina says time. I want quick fixes and I don't want to wait for time. Am I really trusting? Lord - I love my husband. I love Bo deeply. It hurts and I am sad ... I know a big part of my problem is the push back from Satan. I pray without wavering and then my heart and mind go nuts. That needs to stop, in the Name of Jesus. Hebrews 10:35, 36 Romans 8:9-11 So do not throw away your confidence, it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.
February 5
Today I feel empowered. Not empowered by my ability in any situation but empowered by His Spirit. I will not put human conditions on God. He is faithful, He is true. His burden is light and His yoke is easy. He is my God. I server Him out of love.
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So here I find myself, like I do every year, wondering what is wrong with me. Why can't I seem to love a very simple schedule of our day...
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The past couple of years I have just used things here and there. This year though I wanted to make sure I had all the gaps filled in. Real...
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God is really calling me this year to growing up. Honestly. The curricula that God has chosen requires me to be very hands on with the boys....
